a few things

 1. I hate when I'm super far behind on my blog because I get overwhelmed at the thought of starting up again. There's just too much to catch up on. Thus, I am starting right where we are in life and hoping my journal and Instagram can fill in the rest if my kids are reading this years from now and wondering what happened in our family in the last few months of life.

(An afternoon church nap...the only place he falls asleep in people's arms anymore.)

2. I am officially trying to wean William and it has been so dang much harder than I thought it would be. It's always hard, but I think it is especially so this time around because he's older than both the girls were (I lost my milk with Min at 7 months and weaned Lou at 13 months) and he is very much more aware of what's happening. I only nurse him right before bed and the other night I was just trying to not do it and Will wasn't having it. He kept taking out his binky and then I kept sneaking it back in. Finally he just pulled it out and chucked it across the room. I laughed out loud! You can probably guess that I ended up nursing him. I'm a sucker. We have now gone two nights in a row without it and each time I lay him down my heart just sinks a little as he cries. I just feel like it's time to wean, even though I don't really want to, and it's dang hard.

3. Cousins have been in town now for about a month and we are all in heaven. They have made our summer! The girls love those Adsero boys so much and they are officially staying at our house starting tonight! We couldn't be more pleased. Charlotte is quite the party girl and always has something fun up her sleeve in the works. It was so fun to all be together for Lincoln's baptism a few weeks ago. We are headed to the Collard cabin here soon and we are all looking forward to that!

4. I have been really into self-help podcasts lately. The girls kind of loathe them because they'd much rather listen to music, but I can't help but love them. I have just had so many motivational moments lately that I can't help but turn them on! The one I'm listening to currently is Bold New Mom by Jody Moore. Minnie keeps asking me why I listen to such boring stuff and I tell her it's helping me to become a better mom. I don't think she likes that answer much, but the other day she was playing and came up to me to show me a toy record she'd shoved into an apron and she told me it was her CD that she listened to to help her become a better mom. I died!

(Fourth of July with cute cousin Jeremiah and the fun little surprises Aunt Megan brought!)

5. Lagoon season passes have been a major success again this year! I think as long as we are living in Davis County we are probably going to have to get them.

6. Why can't I eat salad? Like it sounds like the most disgusting thing to me lately for some reason. It's ok if someone else makes it, but if I do, there's not a chance I'm going to enjoy it. Send help!

7. We've only done one cabin trip thus far this summer and we are aching to get back up there this weekend!

8. I ran a half marathon with Charlotte and FINISHED without stopping! Matt was initially going to run it with her but had to head back to Abu Dhabi so I ran in his place. The most I'd run prior to the race was about 6 miles so I had no idea how I would do. It has been a goal of mine for years to run a half marathon but I honestly never thought I could. I think I just told myself that so many times that I believed I really couldn't do it. Well by some miracle I did, although the majority of the time I was just trying to run because I wanted it to be over, but it was surprisingly fun, especially when I crossed the finish line and knew it was over. I have been sore for about a week now, but I think I'm almost totally recovered.

9. Lots of friends have moved and/or are moving lately and it has me feeling a little antsy. I love our house and our ward and our neighborhood but sometimes I just get this bug in me that feels like it's time for a change. I think it drives Robert nuts.

10. We bought a mini trampoline for our backyard and it has been a lot of fun. Robert is still super bummed we didn't get a full size trampoline so he could jump on it, but Minnie has already hurt her back on this one so I'm kind of feeling like the mini one was a good choice for now.

11. Minnie gave Lou a major bang chop about a month ago and it is sort of coming into itself but not quite yet. It was really bad to start, but I think we are seeing some hope lately. Sisters, man.

our lazy cinco de mayo

Yes, that is indeed Louie shirtless in the yard again. I have a hunch it will be a common scene this summer. Goodness I love that chubby little bod! And also...our first family of five selfie! Will missed the memo that we try to look at the camera when we take our selfies, but I'm confident he'll get it in the next year. This was taken during my most favorite and least favorite time of the day...bedtime. I love all snuggling up on the couch together to read the scriptures and a story, but somehow it is just such a tricky time too because the girls are super tired and try to prolong the actual going to bed part for as long as possible, which usually ends up in some naughtiness. Minnie now has Robert doing a whole laundry list of items before she actually closes her eyes. First, there's something fun like a horsey ride or a rocket ship ride, then an additional made up fairy tale (which he's quite good at) after she gets into her bed, then a lullaby, a drink of water and then she tells him this insanely long dream she hopes he'll have. It's pretty darn sweet but it takes FOREVER! Min and Lou both hate it when he's at young men's or something and it's just me putting them to bed because I am the fun killer and try to get them all settled in within 15 minutes and skip over about 90% of the laundry list. I sort of love that he does all of that with them though because night time is really his only time with them and they love having his undivided attention.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are what Minnie calls our "do whatever we want" days because she doesn't have preschool or soccer so we just get to do whatever we want. I have come to love these days with a new baby because we can take mornings extra slow and I feel like I can really focus my attention around the house...or nap :). You know, whatever the priority is that day. It tends to be the latter these days for me. Every night during prayers Minnie will halfway open her eyes as she's praying to ask me what tomorrow is. When I tell her it's Tuesday or Thursday she'll say, "Oh, our do whatever we want day. So...what are we going to do?" If I don't have an answer she'll just start asking to do things she wants to do like go to a friends house or go to the park, and if I say maybe she'll just continue with her prayer and ask Heavenly Father to bless us to have fun doing whatever it is she decided we should do. It's hilarious. The girl loves to make plans. Yesterday we spent most of the day at home...in our pajamas. I was not entirely unproductive though! The girls played outside while I raked up all the branches from the windstorm a few days ago and then swept the patio and pulled some weeds. I nursed Will outside after he woke up and watched the girls draw with chalk and then we made lunch and made a little picnic out of it. Later that night we celebrated Cinco de Mayo the only way Americans know how...eating Mexican food. We went to a place called Nacho House with the Lambs and the Carters and in spite of the looks of the place from the outside, the food wasn't half bad. The kids were all so excited to be out to dinner together and we definitely had the loudest table in the restaurant, but all things considered it was a pretty peaceful meal with kids. We came home and the girls helped Bob and me weed the front yard for a bit and Will just sat in his carseat and watched the cars drive by like a content little baby that he rarely is unless he's sleeping. It kind of felt like heaven for a minute. He then proceeded to have the biggest blowout of his life, but we didn't let that ruin the night. Lately we've been in kind of a rut as far as our nightly routine goes, so it was refreshing to mix it up a little and the glorious weather yesterday just got me so excited for summer and warm nights spent outside together.

today

Life, man. This blog and a million other things have all been put on the back burner these days because...nursing. The babe loves to eat, and when he's not eating he's probably spitting up and will want to eat again within a half an hour. It's a time consuming job being a milk machine. William is six weeks old now and I've had a draft post of his birth started for weeks now and I'm pretty sure it will still be sitting in my drafts for another month. In the meantime life is still going on and yet I just haven't felt the energy to document things until recently. Most of my posts end up being novels, but I'm feeling this need lately to just document the simple, daily pieces of our lives. I feel like if I can just put up a quick post or two a week I'll look back and be so grateful. 

The girls were wild today. I think that's just how I'd describe life in general at our house these days: WILD. Those two are best, best friends and their conversations and little pretend play make me laugh every day. Minnie also shot Lou with the house while they were filling up the water table (hence, Lou's nakey tummy) so they can also be mortal enemies sometimes too, but the best friend part makes up for the ugly stuff most of the time. We've had days and days of cold, rainy and windy weather so the sunshine today was such a welcome change. 

The last few weeks I haven't been feeling very well and all of the symptoms I've looked up on the internet point to cancer (don't they always?). I'm guessing it's probably not cancer, but it's gotten me thinking that in the chance that it is, am I really happy with how I'm living my life? Am I being the kind of mom I want my kids to remember? The answer to that question for me right now is...no. Having three kids has kind of thrown me for a loop. It has been absolutely wonderful to add William to the mix, but in the process I've felt myself snapping at and neglecting the girls way more than I ever imagined I would. I really hate it. The fact that I'm also not feeling 100% doesn't help much either. In short, I'm not being the person I want to be right now but I'm working on it. Robert and I really tried to have a nice FHE tonight but it ended in tears because neither of the girls were listening, William was hungry and Robert and I were tired. Oy!  I ran and got us some shakes after we put the girls down to drown our sorrows about tonight's events. Thank heavens for a new day and a new start tomorrow.

I snapped these pictures really quickly before we headed in for baths, which actually turned into showers upon their request. When I look at these pictures I just feel this sense of gratitude for my babies and for my life. I love them so much. I mean, look at Lou's belly and pigtails! That is the stuff my dreams are made of. And Will's little fists while he sleeps! I can't get enough. Robert is also a baby whisperer with that little boy. He has this special hold that lulls Will right into dreamland. Will loves his head titled back at about a 90 degree angle while his arms just flop to the side. It's so strange and I cannot replicate it so my trick is nursing. It's all I've got. Will is also a big fan of the Baby Bjorn and he never seems to look tinier than when Robert has him strapped in that thing on his chest. My boys! I love them. These simple moments will be treasured in my heart forever and I'm hopeful I can document these sweet little bits of life more frequently, because I know they are going to pass faster than I can imagine.

almost there

I am 39 weeks pregnant today and tomorrow this little babe will join our family. This process has felt like an eternity, but suddenly today I'm feeling like I blinked and bam, it's go time! I am terribly nervous, but the majority of me is just so excited to meet this sweet person we are blessed to add to our family.

This time around I have done very little to document this pregnancy, which I already regret. I feel bigger and much less comfortable this time than I did the last two (we're talking beluga whale huge), but perhaps that's because it's been so long since I've been pregnant and I honestly don't remember how I felt before. I'm telling you, you forget everything bad about pregnancy as soon as your baby turns six months. Lou was almost two when I got pregnant so I had a good amount of time to have that little portion of my memory wiped clean. I am officially down to three pairs of pants and three shirts that fit and I am pretty much doing laundry constantly because otherwise I will be running around town in pajamas, and half of my belly will probably be showing.

All in all this really has been an amazing pregnancy. I felt nauseous for about 20 weeks, but not so nauseous that I actually threw up. I had some major heartburn in the latter half of this pregnancy, which was different than Min's and Lou's. With them I got heartburn super early on. I also got incredibly swollen with them (we're talking feet and ankles, hands, and face...especially my nose) but this time I have hardly noticed any swelling. Perhaps it's because I was pregnant during the deep summer heat with both of them, I'm not sure. I was dreading my monster pregnancy nose but my face has stayed relatively normal looking. That has sure been nice. I'm just so grateful for a healthy pregnancy. I did have one little scare a few weeks ago when the baby wouldn't move. It is usually incredibly active in the morning but even after all the normal things I usually did to get the babe moving, I still didn't feel anything. It was an awful feeling. My doctor was out of town but Robert suggested we just run to the office when they opened and have a midwife or another doctor find the heart beat. I ended up feeling a few teeny movements by the time we arrived, but they weren't like they normally were at all. Something just felt off. Hearing that steady, strong heartbeat was so relieving! The midwife who helped me was so sweet and made me feel so good about coming in. I was a little embarrassed because hello, it had only been a few hours of not feeling the baby, but she said that it is always better to err on the side of being overly cautious in this situation. I loved her. I had to run over to the hospital to do a non-stress test afterward, and although it took drinking lots of big sips of ice water to get the baby moving, we finally saw what we wanted to and I felt a million times better. Thank heavens it was just a scare and since then I've felt the babe move like crazy.

Overall, the baby has been strong, moved a lot, and I've had enough energy to at least make dinner most nights, clean the house, take laundry up and down the stairs...you know, regular mom stuff. It is also amazing to have both of my girls be pretty independent right now so I can just let them play if I need to get things done. In fact, Robert and I have been talking about how easy our life is right now. I mean, I guess easy is a relative term because we do have two little girls who are as wild as can be, but for the most part they are super independent, feed themselves, they can both talk and tell us what they need, they are easy to find babysitters for and they have both slept through the night like champs for the last two years. We are in for a ruuuuuude awakening! (Literally, since I will probably be awake at all hours of the night for the next few months. Oy!)

Since we didn't find out the sex of the baby it has been pretty difficult to buy anything in preparation for their arrival. This has both been wonderful and terribly difficult. The things we have bought are: a bigger car, since no matter how much Robert wanted them to, three carseats weren't going to fit in the back of my Mazda (farewell sweet Mazda that brought our other two babies home from the hospital ): ), a new rocker for the baby's room since we were using a tired old pink one from the 1980's that was just kind of gross (and which Lou pooped on once during her potty training days), two gender neutral newborn outfits, and I made a new minky blanket since pretty much all of our blankets are very much girl blankets. We purchased diapers and wipes a few days ago (we are both a little sad about having to buy diapers again) and my cute mom bought us a new Moses basket since our other one is totally trashed after Min and Lou. Other than that, I think we should be set for this little babe. 

Robert and I go back and forth as to whether we think the baby will be a boy or a girl. I just keep feeling like it will be a girl because that's all I can wrap my mind around. If it's a boy I will be blown away. Excited, but blown away. I think Robert's fairly convinced it's a girl too, but lately he's been changing his tune a little with talk of boy. That's the beauty of a surprise I guess...the not knowing and all the wondering. Minnie is convinced it's a boy because she needs someone to dress up as Prince Eric when they are playing pretend and she's Ariel. I've been trying to persuade her that even if the baby is a girl that she'll still love her. Minnie isn't easily swayed, but I think we are making some progress. She tells me that she "already has a sister," which is a valid point, but a house full of sisters wouldn't be the worst thing, would it? It's like a house full of best friends (or worst enemies...depending on their stage of life I guess). There is something pretty sweet to me about sisters and the thought of three little girls just sounds nice. I have loved being a mom to two sweet daughters. There is something so special and sweet about them. Then again, a boy would be such a fun change. I feel like it would be so nice to see and feel what a little boy would be like around these parts. I also just really want a boy for Robert. He has said that he doesn't care, and I know that's true, but I think it would just add a new dimension to our family that would be wonderful. Again, I'm happy either way. The fact that God is giving us another chance to welcome another one of His children into our family and home is absolute magic to me. He has chosen this particular spirit to join with us for this life and the life to come and whoever it is that comes has been hand picked by Him. Why would I ever want to have a hand in that? He knows so much better than we do and I am just so excited to meet this person God meant for us to love.

oh happy happy day

After over a year, a miracle occurred and a tiny little person began growing inside me. My third tiny little person. I tear up as I write this because I just can't believe it finally clicked. I was just never quite sure it would.

I'd written earlier this year about how discouraging it was to just not know why I couldn't get pregnant. It made no sense. My OB couldn't figure it out and neither could a specialist. Both of our bodies were working just like they should (with a little help from my friend Clomid for me) and yet...nothing. It was unbelievably discouraging. I felt a dark cloud over me for months and months. With some effort that cloud lightened a bit as I turned my frustration over to God and was grateful for all of the good that surrounded me, but it was certainly a reality check that all was in His hands and that there was really nothing I could do about it except keep trying, hoping and believing it would all work out. Eventually I began to accept the fact that perhaps we were only going to have two children, although I'd always wanted four. In life I've always been so used to being able to work really hard for whatever I want, whether it be school, career, relationships etc. This has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life - to have something in front of me that I had pretty much no control over. Humbling and incredibly frustrating, but...mostly just humbling. The thing is, I just see this all as a stepping stone into similar and probably even bigger situations in the future. I would never wish this upon anyone, but honestly, I believe we will all face something like this in life, and likely multiple times. However much I loathed the sadness I felt during that time, I will forever be grateful for the way it pulled me toward God, made me appreciate all that I do have and gave me a chance to really experience and feel true heartache. I see it as getting my feet wet in the beauty of life and mortality, because although life is insanely beautiful, it is often heartache that helps us see and truly appreciate all that beauty.

The morning I found out I was pregnant was just like every other morning the 14 months prior. I was a day or two late and felt pretty crappy so I was sure that time of the month was eminent. Throughout this entire process my relationship with pregnancy tests became pretty toxic. I hated the things. They just broke my heart time and time again and after about 6 or 7 months I just stopped taking them and waited it out until it was clear I was not pregnant. It just became pretty routine, although there was always a little sliver of hope in my heart, but it was pretty hard to believe that second line was never going to show its darn face. But this particular July morning I decided I'd use that second-to-last dollar store pregnancy test sitting in the closet. I'm not sure why, because I honestly felt like I had every other month, but for some reason I pulled it out and opened it up. I walked out of the bathroom to give the test a minute to do its thing and my heart was racing. I could honestly feel the blood pumping in my ears. When I walked back in and saw that second line I about fell over. There! It! Was! That second line I'd been aching for, praying for, pleading for. I began jumping up and down. I couldn't contain myself. It was HERE! It was finally here. I think what I was most excited about was being able to shed all the sadness I'd built up over the last 14 months. I was so sick of that feeling every month when that test came back negative or I started my cycle. I couldn't help it. Tears would just well up in my eyes sporadically and I felt a sort of anger, not at anyone in particular, but just at the situation, and as much as I tried to not let it effect Robert or the girls, I knew it did. It all felt pretty horrible. To know that all of that fighting, all of that praying and all of that heartache had lead to this moment was almost empowering. I had made it through the struggle. I was out of the tunnel I thought I may never see the end of.

It was about 8 or 9 am and Minnie was getting out of bed as I was jumping up and down in the hall just outside the bathroom. She and Lou both stood in the hall watching me and then I fell to my knees and began to cry. It was a good cry, but to an almost 4 and almost 2-year-old, crying is crying and it's generally because you're sad. Lou cautiously came over to try and get some clarification on the situation and I told the girls I finally had a baby in my tummy. Minnie beamed and quickly asked, "Can I see it?!!" After some explaining that the baby needed time to grow before it was ready to come out but that in 9 months the girls were going to have a new brother or sister, they were both beside themselves and we were giving each other lots of hugs and kisses there on the rug in the hall. Tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. I asked them if they would say a prayer with me right there to tell Heavenly Father how grateful we were for this new little baby coming into our family. I won't forget how sweet and still those two were beside me as I gave that prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracle. In that moment I felt such a connection to these three little spirits of whom I am blessed to be a mother.

A bit later we surprised Robert at work. I made him a lunch (he'd forgotten to take one) and Minnie helped me wrap up the pregnancy test (kind of gross, I know). We pulled in front of his building and he came into the car to talk with us for a minute. Min handed him the little gift and when he realized what it was he just turned and gave me his knowing little smile and a kiss. We both couldn't believe it. We decided to celebrate with Frosties because he didn't have time for much else, but a celebration needed to be had, gosh dang it!

And so here I am now, coming up on six months into this thing, and although my 29-year-old body isn't handling pregnancy quite as gracefully as my 24-year-old body (or even my 26-year-old body) did, I am just so, so happy! I was a bit nervous after telling Minnie about the baby that news was going to spread much faster than I'd wanted it to. She is four, after all. I was also really nervous something was going to happen to this baby so I wanted to hold off telling people for awhile. I swear my anxiety increases with each baby, although I'm pretty sure it's supposed to do the opposite. Oy! But Min was like a vault, and even when I told someone in front of her she'd get mad at me and remind me it was a secret. I was so proud of her! Now she's yelling it from the rooftops because she can. I love her.  Somehow I convinced myself and Robert to let this baby's sex be a surprise, and by some miracle we really went through with it. I can't wait to meet him/her. The girls are sure it's a boy. Minnie is already trying to convince me to buy him a Prince Eric costume. Ha! I've had multiple dreams it's a boy, but I'm pretty convinced it's a girl. Robert is also 90% sure it's a girl, just because that's what we make and we really can't imagine anything different. Honestly, I don't care whether it's a boy or girl, I'm just so grateful another little person was meant to be in our family, and whoever they are is who God intended to be with us...with all four of us. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of all - that we were meant to be together. March 18th can't come quickly enough!

wildflowers, pb+j's, auntie j and mama anxiety at it's best {or worst}

Robert was out of town last week for three days at scout camp and it was majorly depressing. I don't know what it is about having him gone, even just for three days, but it just throws me right out of whack. He's pretty much only home for four waking hours of the day, but just knowing I can't call him to chat or that he'll be around for back up around bedtime reminds me how much he means to me. He is so incredibly helpful around the house and with the girls and that never becomes more clear than around 8:00 pm when I'm wrangling the ladies into their pajamas and trying to convince them that sleeping is a good idea. I had been dreading those three days for months and you won't believe how grateful I am they are behind us now.

My dearest sister, Julia, often becomes my second husband when things like this come up. Bless her. She is such a good friend to me and I love the way she loves my babes and the way they love her back. We headed up to Albion Basin one of the nights Bob was gone to have a little picnic and enjoy the wildflowers but it turned out that every other person in the Salt Lake valley had the same idea. We were lucky to find a place to park (after driving around for 30 minutes) and the sun was about to set by the time we got out of the car. But, the girls love themselves a picnic so we found a few good rocks to sit on and the girls chowed down on their pb+j's (Julia and I had already eaten most of our Zupa's while trying to find a parking spot...couldn't help it).  The wildflowers were kind of on their way out, but goodness, they were still terribly pretty. I'm always in awe of scenes like these in the wild, especially after trying to keep my own little garden alive. How do these just grow like this...in the wild? God is obviously the master gardner. The evening included more driving than adventuring, but I'm still so glad we got to go. It does a soul good to be up in the mountains, even if it's just for 45 minutes or taking it all in through a car window.

Robert and I are leaving tomorrow to spend a week in Costa Rica. It is kind of what dreams are made of to be able to spend an uninterrupted week with the man of my dreams in a tropical foreign country, but goodness, my heart is in my stomach thinking about leaving my girls behind. My incredible mom has been kind enough to offer to watch them and if it weren't for her, we wouldn't be going. I know the girls are going to love their time with their grandparents (and I'm hopeful my parents love it just as much :|) but we are a family of four, and splitting us in half just feels weird to me. Yes, maybe for a night, but a week? I don't know why that just feels weird and indulgent to me. I know it will be wonderful and that it will be a time Robert and I will look back on for years to come. I don't see us doing anything like this again until our kids are much older so it's kind of like now or never since we don't have a nursing baby and both our girls are at such good, independent ages. And having a meal without having to chop up everything into tiny pieces and try to referee who gets which crayon before an all out screaming war ensues will be quite delightful. And to read a book on a plane?! I don't even remember what that feels like. That will be luxurious. But...my babies! Those two are my world and I know I'm a sap but I'm going to miss them like mad. My anxiety has been through the roof the last few weeks but I'm certain it will calm down once we land in San Jose and are able to call them that first day away. Mama anxiety is no joke. I think it drives Robert batty, but he's always so good at talking me through it and reminding me that it's all going to be fine. I know it will, but I can't help but already look forward to our reunion with these two little love bugs.

trying

Have I ever mentioned how much I love these two little lady babes of mine? Only a hundred million times, I'm sure. But it's true. I do. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I could never have imagined how wonderfully consuming it would be. Minnie and Louisa are literally my everything. Since the minute Minnie entered the world I realized what it meant to live for someone else, and now I will for the rest of my life. It is both a terrifying and euphoric feeling to love someone so completely, without conditions or barriers. Sometimes I think I am crazy to want more of these little pieces of my heart running around on this earth. But I want it. I want it more than anything.

Robert and I have been trying for our third child for more than a year now. When Louisa was about 9 months old, I asked Robert if we could start trying for another. I love that man for so many reasons, but one that may top the list is how much he loves his children. The man would have 14 more if I agreed (or if it were physically possible...I ain't no spring chicken anymore), so when I asked him if he was ready for a third he didn't skip a beat before a resounding "yes" sprung from his lips. We were both so excited. Each of our girls brought a new light into our lives and into our little family, and thinking about experiencing that again just felt so right and good. I was so sure and comfortable with the timing of it all, but I had this feeling it was going to take some time before the next little love entered our family, thus my wanting to start trying so quickly after Lou. With Minnie we got lucky on the first try and Louisa took a bit longer, about four months, which I thought was an eternity back then. Little did I know what was ahead of us with number three. 

It is hard to put into words what it feels like to miss a person I don't know yet, a person who doesn't exist here on this earth. I ache for that little flutter in my belly, the movement of life inside of me once more. Sometimes when I start feeling a little queasy I start to pray it doesn't go away. I start to think, "Maybe this is the real deal. Maybe it's all finally working out." Never in my life have I ever been so excited to be nauseous. But time and time again it's a false alarm and my heart falls to the pit of my stomach and I spend the next few days tearing up at the mere thought of what could be and what isn't and then praying for strength to appreciate where I am, that I have two beautiful little girls and for faith in God's timing.

Robert and I have had almost every possible test done and after each I think, "Maybe this will solve the problem. Maybe we can finally pinpoint where the issue is so we can fix it." But every test has come back with flying colors, which is wonderful but also totally frustrating because there's nothing to fix. It's now becoming more clear to me that it is all in God's hands. If both of us are healthy and normal, He must have a reason. Now all that's left to do is wait.

After nearly 14 months of this roller coaster my heart has run the gamut of emotions: hope, frustration, fear, disappointment, sadness and even anger occasionally. I try to remain grateful through it all because I realize I have been incredibly blessed to have two little girls so close together with relatively no trouble at all. I will forever be grateful they have each other. This experience has also been very humbling. I am so used to being in charge of my life. Things have generally gone pretty smoothly for me (knock on lots of wood) and I have felt like I was able to change most of the things in my life I didn't quite feel were right. This has been a whole new ballgame, and it sounds strange to say this since I know it's not over and I'm not quite sure how it will end, but I really do think I am grateful for this struggle. It is good to know that we aren't in charge of everything. It is good to know that God is. It is hard to trust Him but I feel like this experience is giving me a chance to really try. I am also grateful for a new perspective. I want this baby more than I can really say and it is good for me to know how so many others, of whom I love and respect very much, have felt or are feeling at this moment. They too have felt a void in their lives. They too have longed to be parents, either for the first time or for the third. I am grateful to know how that feels, even though it is terribly painful, because I believe it gives me a bit of insight into how God feels about all of us. He knows the hurt and he knows the frustration and it is a gift to be able to feel that for some of His children.

I have faith that this is all going to work out how it's supposed to but I can't stop praying every night for a miracle, that this month will be the month I finally see that faint second line on my pregnancy test. Until then, however, I'm determined to live my life intentionally and joyfully. I want to go on adventures with these two beautiful girls I've been blessed with, to soak up this warm summer weather and appreciate where we are as a family right here and right now. I want to feel myself grow and change and be a blessing to those around me rather than a lump on a log, mourning my situation. This has all been so hard for me to write but it has been unbelievably therapeutic. It has reminded me of all that is good and how much I have learned already in this process. I also believe that there really are spirits waiting to come be with us but it will all be in God's timing. I just can't wait to meet them.

Photos are courtesy of the talented Jalene Taylor who took these as part of The Motherhood Project.

on a thursday afternoon

Our life is unbelievably simple these days.

The only time it really gets complicated is when I make it complicated (or when we have to go grocery shopping, which is like total torture with these little ladies...we're working on it).

In fact, our life is so simple that some might find it downright boring (which I do too some days).

But today, after Minnie got home from preschool, I decided to get out my big camera for a minute and just document our typical Thursday afternoon.

It is far from glamorous, but these pictures really are our day-to-day life in a nutshell and I have a feeling I am going to really treasure them in years to come. 

Sippy cups of milk all over the place (which are often forgotten and found hours and sometimes days later),  Louie's grouchy face when she's had it with the high chair and just wants out,  Minnie kneeling up to the dining room table eating lunch or coloring, Lou toddling around in Minnie's enormous shoes and then finding somewhere to go snuggle a blanket.

It is our real life and I love it.

I have made a resolution this year to be a more patient, loving and fun mom.

In the past few months, especially as Minnie's "terrible threes" have been raging, I have felt pretty awful about the way I've been parenting.

I certainly have not been the mom I want my girls to remember.

In the last few weeks I have tried to really treasure these simple moments of our life right now and to just immerse myself in motherhood.

I have tried to unplug a little more and get down on the floor and play with the girls.

I have raised my voice less, hugged more, scolded less and have had some of the best conversations with Min and snuggles with Lou.

Of course I still feel frustrated and both of the girls still act up, but our home just feels more peaceful and happy, which I am grateful for.

life around here

I have been taking a lot of random pictures on my big camera the last few weeks and although they are all over the place, I love them and want to remember them.

Mornings with our little ladies are pretty slow when Minnie doesn't have preschool so we will often stay in her jammies well into the day.
I kind of treasure the days where we just stick around the house and color, watch movies, dance to Christmas music and drink chocolate milk.
The other day I asked Minnie if she wanted to go to the zoo (we'd been inside forever and it was such a nice December day out) but she told me she just "wanted to stay home for a little while."
I was slightly disappointed because I needed to get out (and I secretly really love the zoo) but then I thought about how wonderful it was that Minnie wanted to stay home.
We weren't doing anything special, but home is where she wanted to be.
I hope that's always how it is.

Minnie and Lou are the best of buds these days.
They can obviously be the worst of enemies too, but hey, that's siblinghood for you.
Min seriously keeps Lou entertained a good part of the day which makes my life so much easier and will have me encouraging people to have their kids close for the rest of my life.
The other day I caught Minnie in her room reading Lou a book.
And Lou was just sitting there intently listening to all of Min's little words.
I couldn't help but sneak a pic.
Minnie also loves to feed Lou.
This has made for some scary moments for me in the past when I'd find huge pieces of who-knows-what in Lou's mouth, but now that she's older Min will share apples with her or stand in front of her high chair and put little bits of food into Lou's mouth.
Lou generally leans waaaaay over and opens her mouth extra wide and then gives a little closed mouth grin as she chews.
Those two push me to my limit like you wouldn't believe, but there are so many moments during the day where I find myself thanking Heavenly Father they are mine and that I get to treasure little moments like these.

Minnie is obsessed with helping in the kitchen.
I have cursed that darn Ikea stool a time or two because she is always flinging it around the kitchen so she can get up to the counter and "help" me do whatever I'm doing.
Our family was in charge of the mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving at my parents house this year and I loved watching Minnie spending five minutes washing every potato.
After they were clean she stood beside me and tossed all of the potatoes I'd chop into the big pot of water.
I know she won't always be so anxious to help so I am grateful for the chance I have to see her get so excited about it now.

Thanksgiving at my parents was wonderful.
The table was longer and more full than it has ever been before.
I love that my parents have always been the kind of people to make sure people have a place to go and feel welcome during the holidays.
We were surrounded by family, sweet friends, neighbors, and two cute Korean exchange students.
The only thing that would have made it better was if Charlotte and her crew had been there.

Christmas is in full swing over in these parts.
We've got our Pandora Christmas station on full blast 95% of the day and Robert and I miraculously have the majority of our Christmas shopping done.
Now for the wrapping...my least favorite part.
Minnie keeps telling me we need a Christmas tree, and she is right.
That's next on the Christmas family countdown.
I love this time of year!