hannah's birth

Our little honey made it here safe and sound the morning of March 15, 2018 and I can't even believe she's nearly three months old now. I haven't written a single thing about her birth in my journal or anywhere really, and it is killing me. I feel like the whirlwind of a newborn can knock me off my feet for a minute, but I feel think we are starting to get into a decent rhythm (depending on the day) and I need to remember some of the details of this day while they are still relatively fresh.

The night before William's birth was just one panic attack after another for me, and I was so nervous this time around would be the same. I was absolutely nervous, but the night before Hannah came I was actually able to sleep for a few hours and I didn't have a single panic attack, which was a total miracle in my book. Robert's mom came the night before to sleep over so we could leave the kids sleeping as we had to leave our house around 5:30 am to be at the hospital by 6 am. I don't know what it is, but I always get choked up leaving the kids in the morning as I'm going to have a baby. I think it's an end of an era four our current family unit but also for the baby of the family in some ways, so I rocked William extra long the night before, albeit a bit uncomfortable with my huge belly. I wrote the kids a note and stuck it on the fridge before we headed out the door, telling them how excited I was for them to meet their sister, and teared up as I wrote it, thinking about the them seeing her for the first time. 

The drive to the hospital with Robert is always a peaceful one and I feel like it always calms my nerves. No on is on the roads, it's dark and quiet, and we just hold hands and talk about life and what it will be like with this new baby. It's the calm before the storm. It was a rainy and then quite snowy March day, but luckily the roads were clear.

My sweet friend Christine was kind enough to go back to work as an RN just for me. Ok, not really, but the timing of her going back to work was so awesome because it allowed her to be my nurse once more. She got me a great OR prep and recovery room with windows and lots of space and having her there, just like with William's birth, calmed my nerves. I had one mild panic attack as she was getting me ready, so I stood up (because I was so anxious about being numb for the rest of day) and Robert, Christine and I said a prayer. It helped a bit, but I just worked through the nerves and in a matter of minutes we were in the operating room.

The spinal block this time around really did a number on me. I started feeling like I was going to throw up and then I got super sweaty and felt like I was going to pass out. I'd never felt like that before and it was awful. The anesthesiologist was amazing, just like the three I'd had previously, and helped me get through it. Hannah was out in record time and seeing her little curled up body over the curtain and then hearing her little piglet scream was such a relief. That feeling of seeing them and hearing them for the first time will never get old. The doctors had me stitched up and ready to go within minutes and we actually had to wait until Hannah was ready to go to leave to go back to recovery. When they wheeled me in, Julia was there waiting and shortly after my dad arrived, ready to take a thousand pictures. 

Hannah looked quite a bit like Lou when she first came out. She seemed quite fair and her hair looked a bit red. She had more hair than any of my other kids had, and it was also darker than any of my other kids. After a bath she looked a bit less red, but in certain lights to this day, she definitely is a bit of a ginger.

Everyone commented on how alert Hannah seemed right when she came out. Her eyes were big and bright and looking around for a long time after she was born, which was so different from the rest of my kids who fell asleep fairly quickly after birth. Even now she is extremely bright eyed and sometimes looks like a deer in headlights because her eyes are open so wide. Once she focuses on a face the bug eyes kind of soften, but generally they are quite big.

My mom arrived a little bit later after wrapping some stuff up with the substitute and I can't even tell you how much I love having my parents around for my kids' births. It's funny how even when you're grown, you can't help but want your parents around at big life events.

I had been so thirsty, so as soon as I was in recovery, Christine brought me some ice water. I drank the majority of what she gave me, and as I was getting wheeled back to my more permanent room, I started feeling really nauseous. I was holding Hannah and felt totally helpless. They quickly handed me a bag and I threw up. I thought maybe it was just motion sickness, but over the course of the next few hours I threw up three or four more times. I felt terrible! I'd never had such a bad reaction to anesthesia before, but I just could't keep anything down. I don't think I ate until later that night and they had to start pumping me full of more fluid to get things moving through me.

My mom went over to our house and relieved Vicky of the kids, and then they all came over to the hospital together to meet Hannah. Minnie and Louisa were so dang excited and fought over who got to hold her first. William couldn't have cared less, but it was just so fun to see them all together and to be all together. One of my favorite nights in the hospital was when my parents had to go to a wedding reception so they dropped the kids off to be with us for a couple hours and we at snacks and snuggled in the hospital bed and watched Lady and the Tramp. Life is busy and wild with all four of them, but life just feels so good when we are together.

Hannah is named after Robert's mom's third great grandmother, who was the first to join the church on the side and immigrated to the United States from England. We discovered as we were looking for a name that she actually lived in Bountiful, and soon after we found out we were having a girl we found out she was buried just a few minutes from our house. I went to see her grave and as I stood over it I had a strong impression I should name our baby after her; Hannah Mary Ann. I feel like it suits her well.

Life with Hannah has been so sweet. I love and loathe the newborn stage, but I am trying to soak it up because there's a chance this might be our last baby. I am so grateful Hannah is here safe and sound and feel so blessed to be her mom.

dear baby

Dear Baby,

Tomorrow we officially get to see and kiss your sweet face. We are all pretty giddy about it.

Minnie has been singing her own little made up lullabies to you in my belly the past few days because she recently learned you might be able to hear her voice in there. She's hoping you will recognize hers when you come out. I am so grateful for Minnie. She has filled the role as oldest sibling in such a big way since William was born and I know she is going to be incredible with you. I hope she will remember this time in the life of our family forever and know how proud I am to see her love and care for her younger siblings. I love when she rubs my belly and we dream up what you'll look like and be like and all the fun things we'll all get to do together soon. She's been telling everyone about you and is so excited about the blanket she and her first grade class are making for you.

Louisa is dead set on naming you Izzy and gets quite upset when we suggest otherwise. She also names all of her dolls and stuffed animals Izzy, but you would obviously be the best Izzy of all. Lou is also a bit concerned Robert and I will be stuck at the hospital forever and has cried a few times when she mentions us leaving to have the baby. We've reassured her it will only be for a few days and that she'll get to come and visit and see you and hold you, and as soon as that sinks in she's back to her happy self. She's been telling everyone I'm having you "tomorrow" for the past three months. Today she'll finally be right!

William has no idea what's coming. He's been a mama's boy 90% of his life, but in the last few months has slowly eased out of it, which was really great timing. Last night I rocked him in the rocker like I do most nights and got a little teary when I thought about his babyhood in our family coming to an end. This has happened with my youngest every time we're about to welcome a new baby, but the feeling is usually fleeting because there is no greater gift I could give to my children than siblings. Seeing your relationships blossom has been one of my most cherished experiences in life and I know you are some of each other's greatest blessings. William loves babies, and I'm hopeful he'll understand the word "soft" quickly so we don't experience too many traumatic incidents. The first time we decided on your name I asked William to say it, figuring he'd probably come up with his own little version of it, but it came out of his little lips clear as a bell. It was pretty sweet.

We've chosen a name for you from Dad's side of the family. Each of your siblings have received a family name and we have loved the meaning and depth each of them carry. I hope you will learn to love and appreciate yours. I've mostly left naming you up to your dad this time, as I did with William, and I really love the name he chose. Gosh, your dad is a good man. You are going to love him, just like your siblings do. He's as good and kind and as fun as they come, and you will not find a man with a better heart. He's the best storyteller in town, has become a human jungle gym in our house and is the wrestling, snuggling and tickling king. Bedtime routine is never boring with him around. I hope you will confide in him and feel his unwavering love for you. We are all so lucky to have him. He and I have spent late nights recently talking about you and the miracle you are to us. With each baby we've welcomed, I feel like he and I grow closer and happier and we are so excited for the spirit and love you are going to bring into our home.

The entire process of getting you here tends to bring anxiety into my mama heart. I don't think I ever  really knew anxiety until I became a mom. I just love my children in such a big way and want to do the very best I can for you. Please be patient with me. I know tears of joy and frustration are going to be shed in massive amounts these next few months, but it is a time of life where the spirit feels so close and life just feels so sweet, and all of the good outweighs the hard. Our family isn't perfect but we are dang happy and just can't wait for you to be part of us. See you tomorrow, little one!

Love,
Mom

baby william

Sweet baby William has been a part of our life for almost two months now. I can't even believe how fast that time has gone. The whole process felt like quite the whirlwind to me, and still does in many respects, but I'm trying to really soak up this season of motherhood and enjoy this little babe while he's so little. After two months I feel like I am starting to forget some of the details of his birth so I felt like I better get them into a blog post stat, since handwriting them in my journal takes me about a million times longer.

I had been dreading the c-seciton portion of having a baby since the day I found out I was pregnant. I know it sounds crazy, and it is, but I just knew it was going to throw me for some major anxiety and panic attacks, which it did. You'd think with plenty of time to prepare I'd be ok by the time the surgery rolled around, but the anxiety was bad...almost worse than I even thought it would be. The excitement of having a baby (and not knowing the gender) mostly outweighed any anxiety the months and weeks leading up to William's birth. I tried to not even think about the c-section and I think that worked pretty well up until the night before I was heading into the hospital. I just started having panic attacks, one right after another, and they were pretty intense. I would just randomly start crying and then feeling this need to get up and go outside. I just felt totally claustrophobic. Robert was so sweet and gave me a blessing and just sat with me and let me cry while I hugged him, but I was inconsolable. I knew everything was going to be ok, but my anxiety was just taking over. It had never been like this before and it felt awful. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all. At one point I just got up and went on a walk down the street at 2 AM. It was just so weird to feel like that. An hour or so later as I was sitting in the nursery in the new rocker and I started watching YouTube videos about how to overcome panic attacks. Did you know that you're supposed to try and HAVE panic attacks so you can learn to get over them? Well lucky for me I was having one after another so I just sat in that chair and imagined all the worst things and then tried to just let myself sit there and work through them. It was actually pretty awful, but believe it or not, I think it was a blessing because I started feeling myself ease up as I just let the fear wash over me. It was awful and wonderful at the same time, and by the time Robert woke up at 5:15 AM to take me to the hospital, I was feeling quite a bit more calm and collected.

Robert's cute mom slept over at our house the night before since we had to leave at 5:30 AM to get to the hospital at 6:00 AM. I felt a little guilty slipping out of the house without giving the girls a kiss goodbye, but I was so glad they were able to sleep and that we didn't have to drag them out of bed. It was still dark as we drove to the hospital and the streets were so quiet. Robert and I held hands as we drove and I just felt so reassured to have him by my side. He is the calm to my crazy and never makes me feel dumb about how insane I can be sometimes. He just lets me talk my way through it and then gives me a hug when I need it most. I love him and will forever be grateful to have him by my side. As we drove along in the dark we talked about how crazy it was that we were going to have a baby in a few hours. That is and always will be the strangest and most exciting feeling. It was just such a peaceful 15 minutes that I really needed in preparation for the next few hours.

When we arrived at the hospital our sweet friend Christine was walking in at the same time. She is a registered nurse and doesn't usually work at LDS Hospital, but I had asked her a few months before if there was any way she could be my nurse. She was so sweet and worked it all out so she could be there with us. I just love her. I was lucky enough to be able to be in the room to photograph the birth of her daughter Jillian a little over a year ago, and it was incredible. I realized that she would be seeing way more of me than she probably ever bargained for, but hello, that's what she does for a job and I just feel so comfortable with her that it didn't really phase me. Seeing her as we walked in brought yet another moment of peace I really needed. I had the same terrible nurse for not only Minnie's birth but also Louie's and she had made my experience so awful. Knowing Christine was there and was on my side (and knew about how anxious and claustrophobic I was) put my mind at ease. She even got us into a prep room with a window, which was a dream because the last two times I'd been in a tiny little room with no windows which had driven me kind of crazy. It was also nice to just chat with her about normal stuff leading up to the surgery because I felt kind of like my normal self for a little bit.

Once I was all prepped and ready to go and my doctor came in and talked me through everything, I got up and walked with everyone to the operating room. That walk is always kind of bittersweet because I know I'm not going to be walking for another 24 hours but it also makes me feel a little less claustrophobic. When we got into the operating room and I sat on the table, my sweet anesthesiolgist started walking me through all that he was going to do. I have lucked out with great anesthesiologists for every delivery and this one was no exception. I told him how anxious I was about everything and he told me that as soon as the baby was out he could give me something to help me relax as they stitched me back up. I was so grateful. Once I was totally numb and was lying down, they got to work fast. I'm telling you, it has gone by so quickly every single time, especially the first time since I fell asleep! I actually felt really present with this c-section, which I was so happy about. My anxiety had me chatting up a storm. I was asking everyone a million questions about their family, their jobs, their hobbies, etc. etc. I couldn't stop! I just had to talk so I wouldn't be crazy. Robert knew I preferred not to be touched in these situations so he just sat beside me and was that calm presence I needed.

Doctor Rallison was so cute about our not finding out the baby's gender and told me he was almost as excited as we were because people rarely wait to find out. Within minutes of lying down on the table I felt a tug and knew that the baby was out. Doctor Rallison lifted that sweet little body up over the curtain and said, "Ok Dad, what is it?!" Robert took a second to really process it and then said slowly, "It's...a...boy!!!" I was in disbelief! We looked at each other and just started laughing. What do we do with a boy?! I just started saying over and over, "I can't believe I have a boy! I can't believe I have a boy!" I felt such a rush of adrenaline and excitement that I hardly felt any anxiety anymore. Robert went to see them take his vitals and get him weighed and such and I just sat there talking with everyone about how surprised I was. Within a few minutes the anxiety started to sneak back in so I asked the anesthesiologist if he could give me a little something to take the edge off. As soon as he did I just felt tired, which was ok because I was kind of nervous I was going to throw up. I felt sleepy and relaxed but still with it somehow, which was ideal.

Robert brought that sweet baby over so I could take a good look at him and my heart just melted when I saw his little face. It was strange how even though he was just a tiny little thing, the fact that he was a boy just felt so different to me. I knew I would have been happy having a girl too, but I have always wanted to know what having a son would feel like and I was so grateful I would have the chance.

As they rolled me back into our room I saw my mom and Julia in there and they both were so excited when we announced, "It's a boy!" It still just felt so surreal. I can't even explain how nice it was to have my mom here for the birth. There's something about having your mom with you when you have a baby that feels so comforting. My dad and Nick and Megan came up a few minutes later and it was such a sweet hour being together chatting, taking pictures and passing around our sweet baby. Charlotte Skyped us and it was so fun to see her and her cute boys for a minute. She has four boys so she's going to have to give me all the tips on what to do with boys. I felt a little wobbly because my body was so numb and then I was shivering and my teeth were chattering because my body was in shock from the surgery, but I was able to nurse William for about 15 minutes and he latched on like a champ. Once he was done I was feeling totally wiped out. From not sleeping a wink the night before to the major surgery I'd just had, I felt like my eyelids had weights on them and it was all I could do to keep them open. I felt just plain tired the entire time we were in the hospital, which you can probably tell by how I look in these pictures. Thank goodness at least for those nights I was able to send William to the nursery and get a few good hours of sleep.

Everyone left a few minutes later and my mom and Julia were going to get the girls so they could come meet their brother, which I was most excited about! I got wheeled over to the postpartum unit and actually had the same room I'd had when I had Louie, which was kind of nice. I think I got to take a quick nap and then the girls arrived. That really was one of the sweetest moments of them all. They both ran into the room beaming and shot straight for the baby in Robert's arms. When we told them they had a new baby BROTHER Minnie's eyes just lit up. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there. The girl had wanted a brother so badly and it was pure magic to see that excitement on her face. They were so cute holding him for the first time and giving him kisses on his forehead. I think one of my favorite things about being a mom is seeing my kids love each other. It's one of those sweet rewards you never realize you're going to love so much until it happens.

The girls spent the night at my parents house that night and Robert was kind enough to spend the night on the tiny roll-out bed at the hospital. We spent the next two days agonizing over what to name the baby. I told Robert that the last two names were names from my side of the family, so this baby should have a name from his side. We'd played around with a million different names and Minnie was mostly set on James, which was Robert's grandmother's maiden name. I loved the name James too, but there were a few others in the mix we liked too. William Collard was Robert's great grandfather's name. I've always liked the name William so I was happy with that. We also wanted to include George to honor Robert's dad, who passed a year and a half ago. We were actually held up at the hospital because we hadn't finished our paperwork yet because we hadn't settled on a darn name. I think Robert felt a little guilty not using James because Minnie loved it so much, but he felt a stronger connection to William George. So, after some discussion with Min, we finally settled on William George it's a perfect fit. Minnie would still bring up the name James occasionally, but we've made some big strides the last two months and James hasn't been mentioned in a long, long time.

Once we were ok'd to leave, the nurse came in to cut the clamp off of William's umbilical cord. I'd already had him dressed in an outfit to go home in, and as she was buttoning him up after cutting off the clamp I noticed quite a bit of blood on his outfit. When I asked her what that blood was she said she wasn't sure. When she unbuttoned his outfit there was a huge puddle of blood oozing out of his belly button. I almost lost it. She did too. The clamp had actually pulled his umbilical cord totally off! She said she'd never seen that before and then immediately called for the head nurse to come...quick! They put something on the belly button to help stop the bleeding but I was just sweating bullets. William was as calm as could be, so I figured he was probably fine, but seeing that much blood coming out of him had me totally freaked out. They put lots of gauze on the belly button and then wrapped his tummy with an bandage to help hold it on there. They told me to just watch it and then go to the pediatrician in the morning. My pediatrician said he'd never seen that either, but thankfully everything turned out just fine and the belly button healed pretty quickly. William also got some irritation in his eyelids before we left the hospital and could barely open them. He looked like he'd gotten into a big brawl. It was so sad! They were red and puffy and it made me worried (of course it did :) ) but his doctor assured me that it was totally normal and would go away, and he was right. About a week later it was nearly gone.

I'll be honest, the whole newborn stage this time around was a little rough for me. It actually has been every time, but this time felt harder than ever for some reason. I think part of the issue was that our girls were at such independent ages when I was pregnant with William and I really had no idea how good I had it. We were all sleeping like logs, they both fed themselves, they'd play for hours together...we had it easy. Nursing William was sooooo painful. I also struggled getting up multiple times a night to feed him. He got sick about two weeks after he was born and super congested and was having a hard time sleeping and was spitting up a ton. He is also kind of a fussy little thing so between him sleeping and eating there was quite a bit of crying and that just about did me in. Three kids just threw me for a loop and even with all the help I had since Robert was home for a week and my mom was able to help a ton because she was on spring break, I just felt a little crazy. I feel like after two months I'm coming out of the fog. Nursing has been 100 times better since about a month on and William's in a little bit more of a routine and seems to get happier every week. I am making it sound like it's all been terrible, and it hasn't. It has actually been really amazing, but there's just a lot of hard stuff surrounding the amazing parts.

a video: when the girls met their brother

I have yet to finish the post I've started about William's birth, but I wanted to post this video I took on my phone when the girls first met William because I just love it so much. Since we didn't find out the gender of the baby until the birth, all of us had our bets in as to whether we'd be having a boy or a girl. Minnie was pretty set on the fact that it was a boy from the get go. I was a little nervous it was going to be a girl and kept reminding her that if it was a girl that she'd love the baby anyway. Her response was always pretty reluctant and so in my heart of hearts, I was hoping it was a boy for her. The look on her face in this video when she finds out just makes my heart swell. She loves her brother fiercely and has since the moment I told her I was expecting. Louie, on the other hand, was a little less enamored and was more into the bracelet they gave her at the nurse's station. She is also loud, if you can't tell in this video. They both kill me.

almost there

I am 39 weeks pregnant today and tomorrow this little babe will join our family. This process has felt like an eternity, but suddenly today I'm feeling like I blinked and bam, it's go time! I am terribly nervous, but the majority of me is just so excited to meet this sweet person we are blessed to add to our family.

This time around I have done very little to document this pregnancy, which I already regret. I feel bigger and much less comfortable this time than I did the last two (we're talking beluga whale huge), but perhaps that's because it's been so long since I've been pregnant and I honestly don't remember how I felt before. I'm telling you, you forget everything bad about pregnancy as soon as your baby turns six months. Lou was almost two when I got pregnant so I had a good amount of time to have that little portion of my memory wiped clean. I am officially down to three pairs of pants and three shirts that fit and I am pretty much doing laundry constantly because otherwise I will be running around town in pajamas, and half of my belly will probably be showing.

All in all this really has been an amazing pregnancy. I felt nauseous for about 20 weeks, but not so nauseous that I actually threw up. I had some major heartburn in the latter half of this pregnancy, which was different than Min's and Lou's. With them I got heartburn super early on. I also got incredibly swollen with them (we're talking feet and ankles, hands, and face...especially my nose) but this time I have hardly noticed any swelling. Perhaps it's because I was pregnant during the deep summer heat with both of them, I'm not sure. I was dreading my monster pregnancy nose but my face has stayed relatively normal looking. That has sure been nice. I'm just so grateful for a healthy pregnancy. I did have one little scare a few weeks ago when the baby wouldn't move. It is usually incredibly active in the morning but even after all the normal things I usually did to get the babe moving, I still didn't feel anything. It was an awful feeling. My doctor was out of town but Robert suggested we just run to the office when they opened and have a midwife or another doctor find the heart beat. I ended up feeling a few teeny movements by the time we arrived, but they weren't like they normally were at all. Something just felt off. Hearing that steady, strong heartbeat was so relieving! The midwife who helped me was so sweet and made me feel so good about coming in. I was a little embarrassed because hello, it had only been a few hours of not feeling the baby, but she said that it is always better to err on the side of being overly cautious in this situation. I loved her. I had to run over to the hospital to do a non-stress test afterward, and although it took drinking lots of big sips of ice water to get the baby moving, we finally saw what we wanted to and I felt a million times better. Thank heavens it was just a scare and since then I've felt the babe move like crazy.

Overall, the baby has been strong, moved a lot, and I've had enough energy to at least make dinner most nights, clean the house, take laundry up and down the stairs...you know, regular mom stuff. It is also amazing to have both of my girls be pretty independent right now so I can just let them play if I need to get things done. In fact, Robert and I have been talking about how easy our life is right now. I mean, I guess easy is a relative term because we do have two little girls who are as wild as can be, but for the most part they are super independent, feed themselves, they can both talk and tell us what they need, they are easy to find babysitters for and they have both slept through the night like champs for the last two years. We are in for a ruuuuuude awakening! (Literally, since I will probably be awake at all hours of the night for the next few months. Oy!)

Since we didn't find out the sex of the baby it has been pretty difficult to buy anything in preparation for their arrival. This has both been wonderful and terribly difficult. The things we have bought are: a bigger car, since no matter how much Robert wanted them to, three carseats weren't going to fit in the back of my Mazda (farewell sweet Mazda that brought our other two babies home from the hospital ): ), a new rocker for the baby's room since we were using a tired old pink one from the 1980's that was just kind of gross (and which Lou pooped on once during her potty training days), two gender neutral newborn outfits, and I made a new minky blanket since pretty much all of our blankets are very much girl blankets. We purchased diapers and wipes a few days ago (we are both a little sad about having to buy diapers again) and my cute mom bought us a new Moses basket since our other one is totally trashed after Min and Lou. Other than that, I think we should be set for this little babe. 

Robert and I go back and forth as to whether we think the baby will be a boy or a girl. I just keep feeling like it will be a girl because that's all I can wrap my mind around. If it's a boy I will be blown away. Excited, but blown away. I think Robert's fairly convinced it's a girl too, but lately he's been changing his tune a little with talk of boy. That's the beauty of a surprise I guess...the not knowing and all the wondering. Minnie is convinced it's a boy because she needs someone to dress up as Prince Eric when they are playing pretend and she's Ariel. I've been trying to persuade her that even if the baby is a girl that she'll still love her. Minnie isn't easily swayed, but I think we are making some progress. She tells me that she "already has a sister," which is a valid point, but a house full of sisters wouldn't be the worst thing, would it? It's like a house full of best friends (or worst enemies...depending on their stage of life I guess). There is something pretty sweet to me about sisters and the thought of three little girls just sounds nice. I have loved being a mom to two sweet daughters. There is something so special and sweet about them. Then again, a boy would be such a fun change. I feel like it would be so nice to see and feel what a little boy would be like around these parts. I also just really want a boy for Robert. He has said that he doesn't care, and I know that's true, but I think it would just add a new dimension to our family that would be wonderful. Again, I'm happy either way. The fact that God is giving us another chance to welcome another one of His children into our family and home is absolute magic to me. He has chosen this particular spirit to join with us for this life and the life to come and whoever it is that comes has been hand picked by Him. Why would I ever want to have a hand in that? He knows so much better than we do and I am just so excited to meet this person God meant for us to love.

oh happy happy day

After over a year, a miracle occurred and a tiny little person began growing inside me. My third tiny little person. I tear up as I write this because I just can't believe it finally clicked. I was just never quite sure it would.

I'd written earlier this year about how discouraging it was to just not know why I couldn't get pregnant. It made no sense. My OB couldn't figure it out and neither could a specialist. Both of our bodies were working just like they should (with a little help from my friend Clomid for me) and yet...nothing. It was unbelievably discouraging. I felt a dark cloud over me for months and months. With some effort that cloud lightened a bit as I turned my frustration over to God and was grateful for all of the good that surrounded me, but it was certainly a reality check that all was in His hands and that there was really nothing I could do about it except keep trying, hoping and believing it would all work out. Eventually I began to accept the fact that perhaps we were only going to have two children, although I'd always wanted four. In life I've always been so used to being able to work really hard for whatever I want, whether it be school, career, relationships etc. This has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life - to have something in front of me that I had pretty much no control over. Humbling and incredibly frustrating, but...mostly just humbling. The thing is, I just see this all as a stepping stone into similar and probably even bigger situations in the future. I would never wish this upon anyone, but honestly, I believe we will all face something like this in life, and likely multiple times. However much I loathed the sadness I felt during that time, I will forever be grateful for the way it pulled me toward God, made me appreciate all that I do have and gave me a chance to really experience and feel true heartache. I see it as getting my feet wet in the beauty of life and mortality, because although life is insanely beautiful, it is often heartache that helps us see and truly appreciate all that beauty.

The morning I found out I was pregnant was just like every other morning the 14 months prior. I was a day or two late and felt pretty crappy so I was sure that time of the month was eminent. Throughout this entire process my relationship with pregnancy tests became pretty toxic. I hated the things. They just broke my heart time and time again and after about 6 or 7 months I just stopped taking them and waited it out until it was clear I was not pregnant. It just became pretty routine, although there was always a little sliver of hope in my heart, but it was pretty hard to believe that second line was never going to show its darn face. But this particular July morning I decided I'd use that second-to-last dollar store pregnancy test sitting in the closet. I'm not sure why, because I honestly felt like I had every other month, but for some reason I pulled it out and opened it up. I walked out of the bathroom to give the test a minute to do its thing and my heart was racing. I could honestly feel the blood pumping in my ears. When I walked back in and saw that second line I about fell over. There! It! Was! That second line I'd been aching for, praying for, pleading for. I began jumping up and down. I couldn't contain myself. It was HERE! It was finally here. I think what I was most excited about was being able to shed all the sadness I'd built up over the last 14 months. I was so sick of that feeling every month when that test came back negative or I started my cycle. I couldn't help it. Tears would just well up in my eyes sporadically and I felt a sort of anger, not at anyone in particular, but just at the situation, and as much as I tried to not let it effect Robert or the girls, I knew it did. It all felt pretty horrible. To know that all of that fighting, all of that praying and all of that heartache had lead to this moment was almost empowering. I had made it through the struggle. I was out of the tunnel I thought I may never see the end of.

It was about 8 or 9 am and Minnie was getting out of bed as I was jumping up and down in the hall just outside the bathroom. She and Lou both stood in the hall watching me and then I fell to my knees and began to cry. It was a good cry, but to an almost 4 and almost 2-year-old, crying is crying and it's generally because you're sad. Lou cautiously came over to try and get some clarification on the situation and I told the girls I finally had a baby in my tummy. Minnie beamed and quickly asked, "Can I see it?!!" After some explaining that the baby needed time to grow before it was ready to come out but that in 9 months the girls were going to have a new brother or sister, they were both beside themselves and we were giving each other lots of hugs and kisses there on the rug in the hall. Tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. I asked them if they would say a prayer with me right there to tell Heavenly Father how grateful we were for this new little baby coming into our family. I won't forget how sweet and still those two were beside me as I gave that prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracle. In that moment I felt such a connection to these three little spirits of whom I am blessed to be a mother.

A bit later we surprised Robert at work. I made him a lunch (he'd forgotten to take one) and Minnie helped me wrap up the pregnancy test (kind of gross, I know). We pulled in front of his building and he came into the car to talk with us for a minute. Min handed him the little gift and when he realized what it was he just turned and gave me his knowing little smile and a kiss. We both couldn't believe it. We decided to celebrate with Frosties because he didn't have time for much else, but a celebration needed to be had, gosh dang it!

And so here I am now, coming up on six months into this thing, and although my 29-year-old body isn't handling pregnancy quite as gracefully as my 24-year-old body (or even my 26-year-old body) did, I am just so, so happy! I was a bit nervous after telling Minnie about the baby that news was going to spread much faster than I'd wanted it to. She is four, after all. I was also really nervous something was going to happen to this baby so I wanted to hold off telling people for awhile. I swear my anxiety increases with each baby, although I'm pretty sure it's supposed to do the opposite. Oy! But Min was like a vault, and even when I told someone in front of her she'd get mad at me and remind me it was a secret. I was so proud of her! Now she's yelling it from the rooftops because she can. I love her.  Somehow I convinced myself and Robert to let this baby's sex be a surprise, and by some miracle we really went through with it. I can't wait to meet him/her. The girls are sure it's a boy. Minnie is already trying to convince me to buy him a Prince Eric costume. Ha! I've had multiple dreams it's a boy, but I'm pretty convinced it's a girl. Robert is also 90% sure it's a girl, just because that's what we make and we really can't imagine anything different. Honestly, I don't care whether it's a boy or girl, I'm just so grateful another little person was meant to be in our family, and whoever they are is who God intended to be with us...with all four of us. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of all - that we were meant to be together. March 18th can't come quickly enough!

she's here!!

Our sweet little Louisa Pia joined our family Thursday, July 18th at 8:05 am and our hearts are overflowing.
It's kind of incredible to me that we are now a family of four.
I have two girls. My girls.

Although a c-section was not my ideal in terms of a delivery, a planned c-section is about 1000% more enjoyable than laboring for 19 hours and then going in for a last minute c-section.
Even though Louisa was considerably smaller than Minnie was at birth, especially her head, my darn pelvis proved once again to be just be too odd of a shape so she never descended and I never progressed.
Planning a date and time to have the little bug was actually pretty nice because it allowed my sister to come into town to take care of Minnie and for Robert to get work off and spend the weekend with us.

Robert and I went into the hospital at 6 am Thursday morning, leaving Minnie with Julia and then later Robert's mom.
They got us all settled in at the hospital and then quickly went to work getting my IV set up and all of the pre-surgery stuff done.
I had myself a few little panic attacks here and there. The thought of being tethered to the bed and then not being able to feel my body just really had me going crazy.
It also didn't help that the room we were in was windowless and felt ridiculously claustrophobic.
I knew the panic attacks were coming and I'd tried to prepare myself for them but I was obviously not prepared.
The funny thing is that we had the same nurse this time as we did with Minnie, and unfortunately that was not a good thing.
The minute I saw her my heart sunk.
She had not been very nice with Minnie and she was not very kind this time around either.
At one point, while she was putting the IV in, I started having a major panic attack and I got quite clammy.
I told her I was getting really nervous and she said, "Yeah, I know. The IV tape isn't sticking to you because you're so sweaty."
She was totally put out.
In some ways I think my annoyance with her kind of kept me grounded a little bit...so I guess that's kind of a good thing, right?

Once we were all ready to head into surgery, I was actually able to stand up and walk into the operating room, which I think relieved some of my anxiety.
The anesthesiologist was amazing when I had Minnie and the one this time around was no different.
He was so easy going and reassuring and just made me feel comfortable.
My doctor was pretty sweet through the whole thing as well, and although I was still a ball of nerves in my head, it was nice to have them confidently talking me through it.
Robert was a champ and just stood beside me, knowing that I probably didn't want him to hold my hand or talk to me because I had to work through my craziness on my own.
But just to have him there by my side felt good.
Gosh, he's such a good man.
He's so patient with me.

Once the anesthesiologist gave me the spinal block my body was numb within a minute.
It kind of freaked me out, but once they laid me down on the table I just tried to get out of my head and go to another place.
I just zoned everything out and for some reason it felt good to put my thumb and forefinger on the bridge of my nose, which I did the entire surgery.

I honestly didn't even know they'd started the c-section when suddenly I heard a cry.
My baby's cry!

I'd made myself fall asleep during Minnie's delivery so to hear her first cry was pretty sweet.
Robert and I just looked at each other with tears in our eyes as he stood peeking over the curtain to take pictures.
That moment will be one I'll remember forever.
From then on I was in such a better place. She was here. She was safe and healthy and our new life was beginning.
Robert was able to go and see her get weighed and cleaned and then he brought her in so I could meet her for the first time as they finished the surgery.
Both of us were beaming.

From start to finish the surgery took 25 minutes.
25 minutes!!!
They moved me back to my bed and Robert placed Louisa in my arms.
And there it was...the moment I'd been waiting for.
I was at peace.

When we got back to our room all my siblings were there to greet us.
It was a sweet reunion, because I hadn't even seen my sister, Charlotte, who had come in the night before.
Although my parents couldn't be there, it felt good to have all of my siblings there with me.
Luckily mom and dad kept Skype up and running in Guam so that we could call them at the wee hours of the night their time to introduce them to Louisa (pictured above).

Louisa's body temperature was a little low so the nurse wanted me to do skin-to-skin with her as quickly as possible.
My body was still totally numb from the middle of my back down and as soon as she gave my Louisa I couldn't sit up.
I just kept tipping over and not being able to pull myself back up.
It was the weirdest feeling.
In the process, Louisa got a good hold on some of my hair, so as you can see in one of the pictures above, we had ourselves a little untangling party all while trying to keep me from tipping over.

Louisa is named after my mother's mother, Louise Pia Welch.
She was initially named Louisa Valeria Pia but changed her name as an adult to Louise Valerie Pia because she liked it better.
We, however, love the name Louisa and I'm hopeful she's ok with that choice.

My grandma was my second mom.
At least one day a week was dedicated as a "grandma day," and we'd generally spend it playing in her yard, often picking cherries or apricots from her trees or getting lunch at Wendy's.
She was a master at the hula hoop, splits and hand stands and worked hard to help us learn to do the same.
Much to our dismay, her flexibility far outweighed ours so she would always be better at the splits than us.
Grandma days were usually my favorite days.

Louise was smart, beautiful, funny, kind, faithful...just a classy lady through and through.
Even at an early age this was obvious to me.
Her hair was always set perfectly and her shirts were always neatly pressed.
I loved when she'd get in the car and the smell of Wind Song would float to us in the back seat.
Nothing ever smelled so lovely.
I kept her last bottle when she passed away and every time I smell it, it takes me right back to a hug with Grandma.
 
Louise wanted us to learn everything there was to know in this world.
She was curious and wanted us to be too.
She loved to record interesting snippets from shows like 60 Minutes to show us later and would always ask us questions so we could come up with our own answers about things.
She was the perfect amount of strict and sweet.

When she passed away in May of 1999, my heart was literally broken.
I'd never known sadness like that.
She was so much of my world and suddenly I felt like everything was crashing in around me.
Life changed quite a bit after she was gone, but I am grateful for the memories I have of her and the indelible impression she has left on me.
I've had dreams about her since and she's as vivid to me as she was the day I said goodbye to her.
I look forward to our reunion one day.
There's no doubt she still smells like Wind Song.

How I hope that our sweet Louisa Pia one day holds the grace, faith and life that my sweet grandma did.
What a blessing she will be to those around her.

It is a gift to be able to bring new life into this world but it is one of our greatest blessings to be able to remember lives well lived.
It is my hope that in naming our sweet girls after people we love so much that they will remember where they come from and live up to those names they have been given.

It has now been one week since Louisa came into this world and honestly, everything just feels right.
She is such a sweet, sweet little thing and Minnie has been so good with her.
A little rough, yes, but she's learning.
I'm so excited to see these two girls grow together and to see Louisa come into her own.
Life is a really lovely thing.