a little peanut

i am a condo. i have been housing a little peanut (which is actually about the size of a grapefruit now) inside me for 15 weeks and i'm not sure when it is actually going to feel real. the picture above is terrible, i know. there is no distinction between my bum and my legs in those huge sweatpants...just a big, shapeless tree trunk. we took it last night on my phone just so i could see from another perspective if i was starting to look any bigger. perhaps i should not be wishing this upon myself so early, but i can't help but want a little visual validation that there really is a little peanut in there. you have to understand that my stomach has not always been my finest feature. in fact, when i was 12 i gave my stomach the nickname "junior" because i always felt like it looked as though i could be slightly pregnant. it sounds like i had a complex or something now that i write it, and perhaps i did, but it became endearing over time as i grew more comfortable with my body and the fact that girls often have a little bit o' extra chub to love in certain areas. so what you see here in this photo is merely just junior at his best with a real junior coming in behind struggling to make it's appearance. i'm sure in about 10 weeks i'll have plenty of belly to confirm the reality of it all, but for now...here's junior I.

since about week 3 i have felt pretty crummy so i've had plenty of evidence for awhile that this is happening. somehow nausea and gas aren't enough to make this real. i have gotten heartburn since i was about 11 years old. it has subsided over the last 4 or 5 years, but boy oh boy has it come back with a vengeance these last few months! robert eats quickly at dinner and so for some reason i have this overwhelming urge to keep up which inevitably ends with me popping 3 tums and rolling around on the bed for a few hours. you'd think i'd learn. i'm grateful that i've only been nauseous and haven't actually thrown up. the last 2 weeks have been substantially better and i am excited the 2nd trimester is on it's way. really, i should be grateful i have it as easy as i do.

robert and i have decided to wait until the baby is born to find out the sex. i am one of the most curious people in the world and i am hoping this doesn't kill me. half the excitement of having a baby is finding out what it is and so why not save ALL the excitement for the end? most people think we're crazy. i sort of do too. it has, in a way, become a personal challenge for me NOT to find out. we'll see how it goes. in the meantime i will likely receive lots of weird yellow and green clothes and accessories because no clothes these days are unisex. it's either blue with tractors or pink with bows. as far as i can see this is the only drawback to not finding out the sex early on. people keep asking me what i think it is and i honestly answer that i have no idea. some people answer with confidence that it's a boy or a girl, but i don't think they'd be so confident if it wasn't a 50/50 shot. your odds are pretty good. i kind of hope it's a boy because my sister charlotte has two boys already and i want them to be best friends with each other. the downside is she'll likely live halfway across the world for the rest of our lives. part of me also hopes it's a girl because we have a ton more cute girls names we like and i just feel this closeness with a girl that i'm not sure i'd have with a boy. i'm sure this feeling will change if i end up having a boy. in any case, i just hope it's a healthy little thing.

all of this has happened so quickly and i feel like these last 15 weeks have gone by so fast. we didn't necessarily plan on having a baby so quickly but i am grateful that it came when it did and that we are lucky enough to be able to have a child. i have wanted to be a mother since i was five years old but now that it's approaching i am overwhelmed with the thought of motherhood and all that has been entrusted to me to raise this little being. i could also not be more excited to meet the little peanut and come to know everything about it. what a gift! only 25 weeks until it's here! august 5...