hannah's birth

Our little honey made it here safe and sound the morning of March 15, 2018 and I can't even believe she's nearly three months old now. I haven't written a single thing about her birth in my journal or anywhere really, and it is killing me. I feel like the whirlwind of a newborn can knock me off my feet for a minute, but I feel think we are starting to get into a decent rhythm (depending on the day) and I need to remember some of the details of this day while they are still relatively fresh.

The night before William's birth was just one panic attack after another for me, and I was so nervous this time around would be the same. I was absolutely nervous, but the night before Hannah came I was actually able to sleep for a few hours and I didn't have a single panic attack, which was a total miracle in my book. Robert's mom came the night before to sleep over so we could leave the kids sleeping as we had to leave our house around 5:30 am to be at the hospital by 6 am. I don't know what it is, but I always get choked up leaving the kids in the morning as I'm going to have a baby. I think it's an end of an era four our current family unit but also for the baby of the family in some ways, so I rocked William extra long the night before, albeit a bit uncomfortable with my huge belly. I wrote the kids a note and stuck it on the fridge before we headed out the door, telling them how excited I was for them to meet their sister, and teared up as I wrote it, thinking about the them seeing her for the first time. 

The drive to the hospital with Robert is always a peaceful one and I feel like it always calms my nerves. No on is on the roads, it's dark and quiet, and we just hold hands and talk about life and what it will be like with this new baby. It's the calm before the storm. It was a rainy and then quite snowy March day, but luckily the roads were clear.

My sweet friend Christine was kind enough to go back to work as an RN just for me. Ok, not really, but the timing of her going back to work was so awesome because it allowed her to be my nurse once more. She got me a great OR prep and recovery room with windows and lots of space and having her there, just like with William's birth, calmed my nerves. I had one mild panic attack as she was getting me ready, so I stood up (because I was so anxious about being numb for the rest of day) and Robert, Christine and I said a prayer. It helped a bit, but I just worked through the nerves and in a matter of minutes we were in the operating room.

The spinal block this time around really did a number on me. I started feeling like I was going to throw up and then I got super sweaty and felt like I was going to pass out. I'd never felt like that before and it was awful. The anesthesiologist was amazing, just like the three I'd had previously, and helped me get through it. Hannah was out in record time and seeing her little curled up body over the curtain and then hearing her little piglet scream was such a relief. That feeling of seeing them and hearing them for the first time will never get old. The doctors had me stitched up and ready to go within minutes and we actually had to wait until Hannah was ready to go to leave to go back to recovery. When they wheeled me in, Julia was there waiting and shortly after my dad arrived, ready to take a thousand pictures. 

Hannah looked quite a bit like Lou when she first came out. She seemed quite fair and her hair looked a bit red. She had more hair than any of my other kids had, and it was also darker than any of my other kids. After a bath she looked a bit less red, but in certain lights to this day, she definitely is a bit of a ginger.

Everyone commented on how alert Hannah seemed right when she came out. Her eyes were big and bright and looking around for a long time after she was born, which was so different from the rest of my kids who fell asleep fairly quickly after birth. Even now she is extremely bright eyed and sometimes looks like a deer in headlights because her eyes are open so wide. Once she focuses on a face the bug eyes kind of soften, but generally they are quite big.

My mom arrived a little bit later after wrapping some stuff up with the substitute and I can't even tell you how much I love having my parents around for my kids' births. It's funny how even when you're grown, you can't help but want your parents around at big life events.

I had been so thirsty, so as soon as I was in recovery, Christine brought me some ice water. I drank the majority of what she gave me, and as I was getting wheeled back to my more permanent room, I started feeling really nauseous. I was holding Hannah and felt totally helpless. They quickly handed me a bag and I threw up. I thought maybe it was just motion sickness, but over the course of the next few hours I threw up three or four more times. I felt terrible! I'd never had such a bad reaction to anesthesia before, but I just could't keep anything down. I don't think I ate until later that night and they had to start pumping me full of more fluid to get things moving through me.

My mom went over to our house and relieved Vicky of the kids, and then they all came over to the hospital together to meet Hannah. Minnie and Louisa were so dang excited and fought over who got to hold her first. William couldn't have cared less, but it was just so fun to see them all together and to be all together. One of my favorite nights in the hospital was when my parents had to go to a wedding reception so they dropped the kids off to be with us for a couple hours and we at snacks and snuggled in the hospital bed and watched Lady and the Tramp. Life is busy and wild with all four of them, but life just feels so good when we are together.

Hannah is named after Robert's mom's third great grandmother, who was the first to join the church on the side and immigrated to the United States from England. We discovered as we were looking for a name that she actually lived in Bountiful, and soon after we found out we were having a girl we found out she was buried just a few minutes from our house. I went to see her grave and as I stood over it I had a strong impression I should name our baby after her; Hannah Mary Ann. I feel like it suits her well.

Life with Hannah has been so sweet. I love and loathe the newborn stage, but I am trying to soak it up because there's a chance this might be our last baby. I am so grateful Hannah is here safe and sound and feel so blessed to be her mom.

don't blink

Don't blink or you'll miss it - a phrase that never rings truer than in parenthood. Meeting this sunshine baby at the hospital for the first time is so fresh on my mind. My excitement, my anxiety, the feeling of the cold table on my back and the tug as this fresh little sweetheart made his way into the world. And here I sit, 11 months later, and the every day sweet moments of bouncing, nursing, and kissing this baby kind of all just blur together as I look at this picture and realize how much he has changed. Time is such a tease. I feel like with every baby I kind of trudge through the first few months, waiting to get to my "favorite age." I'm sore, tired and my baby and I are trying to figure each other out and it is equal parts sweet and unbelievably frustrating. Then, my favorite age hits...and then they are one, and then they're starting kindergarten and then they're out of the house and on their own and I'm an empty-nester just wishing and dreaming I could scoop them up in my arms again and whisper into their ears how much I love them and how wonderful they are and kiss their soft cheeks and rock them to sleep like I did a million times a thousand years ago. Dramatic? Absolutely. But there are so many moments where it feels like time is at warp speed and I am trying with all my might to slow my pace and enjoy every bit of my time with these sweet little people. It's hard to believe it now, but one day it will be over and no matter how hard it gets now, I have to remind myself that it's not going to last forever. Don't blink, Laura.

William George is honestly my sunshine boy. He is as sweet as pie and makes life so good. He is absolutely into everything and makes me as tired as you might imagine, but he is such a gift. He's quick to smile, quick to clap, has the best belly laugh and is my mama's boy through and through. I love the way he loves me. My girls were never quite like that, and although sometimes it's tricky when I need to get things done and pass him off to Bob, I genuinely love the way he loves me, the way he wants to be close to me, the way he looks over his shoulder to make sure I'm there and watching. The fact that he is finally starting to sleep through the night is kind of making me love him even more too, if that's possible (bless you, sleep training). I love his juicy little lips, big blue eyes, the dimple on his left cheek and his little Alfalfa hair (thanks be to his dad for the awesome cowlicks). This guy makes me want a thousand more just like him, that is, if they're born sleeping through the night. Jk. Jk. I am 31 now, so who knows what's in store for us and the future and babies, but for now I am trying to soak up this sweet little bubba as well as I can.

Also, I took a photography workshop a few weeks ago to go a little more in-depth into manual shooting. Jill Thomas is incredible and I feel like I had so many light bulb moments during that day with her. One of them is when she said we should try to take pictures we don't need to edit and we actually like right off our memory card. I took these a few days after the workshop and decided to post them unedited. It took everything in me not to tweak the light or the color or anything, but I really do love them this way. I feel like I would post a lot more pictures if I didn't feel like I needed to edit them first. Here's to a lot more practice in manual mode and hopefully a lot more posting!

baby william

Sweet baby William has been a part of our life for almost two months now. I can't even believe how fast that time has gone. The whole process felt like quite the whirlwind to me, and still does in many respects, but I'm trying to really soak up this season of motherhood and enjoy this little babe while he's so little. After two months I feel like I am starting to forget some of the details of his birth so I felt like I better get them into a blog post stat, since handwriting them in my journal takes me about a million times longer.

I had been dreading the c-seciton portion of having a baby since the day I found out I was pregnant. I know it sounds crazy, and it is, but I just knew it was going to throw me for some major anxiety and panic attacks, which it did. You'd think with plenty of time to prepare I'd be ok by the time the surgery rolled around, but the anxiety was bad...almost worse than I even thought it would be. The excitement of having a baby (and not knowing the gender) mostly outweighed any anxiety the months and weeks leading up to William's birth. I tried to not even think about the c-section and I think that worked pretty well up until the night before I was heading into the hospital. I just started having panic attacks, one right after another, and they were pretty intense. I would just randomly start crying and then feeling this need to get up and go outside. I just felt totally claustrophobic. Robert was so sweet and gave me a blessing and just sat with me and let me cry while I hugged him, but I was inconsolable. I knew everything was going to be ok, but my anxiety was just taking over. It had never been like this before and it felt awful. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all. At one point I just got up and went on a walk down the street at 2 AM. It was just so weird to feel like that. An hour or so later as I was sitting in the nursery in the new rocker and I started watching YouTube videos about how to overcome panic attacks. Did you know that you're supposed to try and HAVE panic attacks so you can learn to get over them? Well lucky for me I was having one after another so I just sat in that chair and imagined all the worst things and then tried to just let myself sit there and work through them. It was actually pretty awful, but believe it or not, I think it was a blessing because I started feeling myself ease up as I just let the fear wash over me. It was awful and wonderful at the same time, and by the time Robert woke up at 5:15 AM to take me to the hospital, I was feeling quite a bit more calm and collected.

Robert's cute mom slept over at our house the night before since we had to leave at 5:30 AM to get to the hospital at 6:00 AM. I felt a little guilty slipping out of the house without giving the girls a kiss goodbye, but I was so glad they were able to sleep and that we didn't have to drag them out of bed. It was still dark as we drove to the hospital and the streets were so quiet. Robert and I held hands as we drove and I just felt so reassured to have him by my side. He is the calm to my crazy and never makes me feel dumb about how insane I can be sometimes. He just lets me talk my way through it and then gives me a hug when I need it most. I love him and will forever be grateful to have him by my side. As we drove along in the dark we talked about how crazy it was that we were going to have a baby in a few hours. That is and always will be the strangest and most exciting feeling. It was just such a peaceful 15 minutes that I really needed in preparation for the next few hours.

When we arrived at the hospital our sweet friend Christine was walking in at the same time. She is a registered nurse and doesn't usually work at LDS Hospital, but I had asked her a few months before if there was any way she could be my nurse. She was so sweet and worked it all out so she could be there with us. I just love her. I was lucky enough to be able to be in the room to photograph the birth of her daughter Jillian a little over a year ago, and it was incredible. I realized that she would be seeing way more of me than she probably ever bargained for, but hello, that's what she does for a job and I just feel so comfortable with her that it didn't really phase me. Seeing her as we walked in brought yet another moment of peace I really needed. I had the same terrible nurse for not only Minnie's birth but also Louie's and she had made my experience so awful. Knowing Christine was there and was on my side (and knew about how anxious and claustrophobic I was) put my mind at ease. She even got us into a prep room with a window, which was a dream because the last two times I'd been in a tiny little room with no windows which had driven me kind of crazy. It was also nice to just chat with her about normal stuff leading up to the surgery because I felt kind of like my normal self for a little bit.

Once I was all prepped and ready to go and my doctor came in and talked me through everything, I got up and walked with everyone to the operating room. That walk is always kind of bittersweet because I know I'm not going to be walking for another 24 hours but it also makes me feel a little less claustrophobic. When we got into the operating room and I sat on the table, my sweet anesthesiolgist started walking me through all that he was going to do. I have lucked out with great anesthesiologists for every delivery and this one was no exception. I told him how anxious I was about everything and he told me that as soon as the baby was out he could give me something to help me relax as they stitched me back up. I was so grateful. Once I was totally numb and was lying down, they got to work fast. I'm telling you, it has gone by so quickly every single time, especially the first time since I fell asleep! I actually felt really present with this c-section, which I was so happy about. My anxiety had me chatting up a storm. I was asking everyone a million questions about their family, their jobs, their hobbies, etc. etc. I couldn't stop! I just had to talk so I wouldn't be crazy. Robert knew I preferred not to be touched in these situations so he just sat beside me and was that calm presence I needed.

Doctor Rallison was so cute about our not finding out the baby's gender and told me he was almost as excited as we were because people rarely wait to find out. Within minutes of lying down on the table I felt a tug and knew that the baby was out. Doctor Rallison lifted that sweet little body up over the curtain and said, "Ok Dad, what is it?!" Robert took a second to really process it and then said slowly, "It's...a...boy!!!" I was in disbelief! We looked at each other and just started laughing. What do we do with a boy?! I just started saying over and over, "I can't believe I have a boy! I can't believe I have a boy!" I felt such a rush of adrenaline and excitement that I hardly felt any anxiety anymore. Robert went to see them take his vitals and get him weighed and such and I just sat there talking with everyone about how surprised I was. Within a few minutes the anxiety started to sneak back in so I asked the anesthesiologist if he could give me a little something to take the edge off. As soon as he did I just felt tired, which was ok because I was kind of nervous I was going to throw up. I felt sleepy and relaxed but still with it somehow, which was ideal.

Robert brought that sweet baby over so I could take a good look at him and my heart just melted when I saw his little face. It was strange how even though he was just a tiny little thing, the fact that he was a boy just felt so different to me. I knew I would have been happy having a girl too, but I have always wanted to know what having a son would feel like and I was so grateful I would have the chance.

As they rolled me back into our room I saw my mom and Julia in there and they both were so excited when we announced, "It's a boy!" It still just felt so surreal. I can't even explain how nice it was to have my mom here for the birth. There's something about having your mom with you when you have a baby that feels so comforting. My dad and Nick and Megan came up a few minutes later and it was such a sweet hour being together chatting, taking pictures and passing around our sweet baby. Charlotte Skyped us and it was so fun to see her and her cute boys for a minute. She has four boys so she's going to have to give me all the tips on what to do with boys. I felt a little wobbly because my body was so numb and then I was shivering and my teeth were chattering because my body was in shock from the surgery, but I was able to nurse William for about 15 minutes and he latched on like a champ. Once he was done I was feeling totally wiped out. From not sleeping a wink the night before to the major surgery I'd just had, I felt like my eyelids had weights on them and it was all I could do to keep them open. I felt just plain tired the entire time we were in the hospital, which you can probably tell by how I look in these pictures. Thank goodness at least for those nights I was able to send William to the nursery and get a few good hours of sleep.

Everyone left a few minutes later and my mom and Julia were going to get the girls so they could come meet their brother, which I was most excited about! I got wheeled over to the postpartum unit and actually had the same room I'd had when I had Louie, which was kind of nice. I think I got to take a quick nap and then the girls arrived. That really was one of the sweetest moments of them all. They both ran into the room beaming and shot straight for the baby in Robert's arms. When we told them they had a new baby BROTHER Minnie's eyes just lit up. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there. The girl had wanted a brother so badly and it was pure magic to see that excitement on her face. They were so cute holding him for the first time and giving him kisses on his forehead. I think one of my favorite things about being a mom is seeing my kids love each other. It's one of those sweet rewards you never realize you're going to love so much until it happens.

The girls spent the night at my parents house that night and Robert was kind enough to spend the night on the tiny roll-out bed at the hospital. We spent the next two days agonizing over what to name the baby. I told Robert that the last two names were names from my side of the family, so this baby should have a name from his side. We'd played around with a million different names and Minnie was mostly set on James, which was Robert's grandmother's maiden name. I loved the name James too, but there were a few others in the mix we liked too. William Collard was Robert's great grandfather's name. I've always liked the name William so I was happy with that. We also wanted to include George to honor Robert's dad, who passed a year and a half ago. We were actually held up at the hospital because we hadn't finished our paperwork yet because we hadn't settled on a darn name. I think Robert felt a little guilty not using James because Minnie loved it so much, but he felt a stronger connection to William George. So, after some discussion with Min, we finally settled on William George it's a perfect fit. Minnie would still bring up the name James occasionally, but we've made some big strides the last two months and James hasn't been mentioned in a long, long time.

Once we were ok'd to leave, the nurse came in to cut the clamp off of William's umbilical cord. I'd already had him dressed in an outfit to go home in, and as she was buttoning him up after cutting off the clamp I noticed quite a bit of blood on his outfit. When I asked her what that blood was she said she wasn't sure. When she unbuttoned his outfit there was a huge puddle of blood oozing out of his belly button. I almost lost it. She did too. The clamp had actually pulled his umbilical cord totally off! She said she'd never seen that before and then immediately called for the head nurse to come...quick! They put something on the belly button to help stop the bleeding but I was just sweating bullets. William was as calm as could be, so I figured he was probably fine, but seeing that much blood coming out of him had me totally freaked out. They put lots of gauze on the belly button and then wrapped his tummy with an bandage to help hold it on there. They told me to just watch it and then go to the pediatrician in the morning. My pediatrician said he'd never seen that either, but thankfully everything turned out just fine and the belly button healed pretty quickly. William also got some irritation in his eyelids before we left the hospital and could barely open them. He looked like he'd gotten into a big brawl. It was so sad! They were red and puffy and it made me worried (of course it did :) ) but his doctor assured me that it was totally normal and would go away, and he was right. About a week later it was nearly gone.

I'll be honest, the whole newborn stage this time around was a little rough for me. It actually has been every time, but this time felt harder than ever for some reason. I think part of the issue was that our girls were at such independent ages when I was pregnant with William and I really had no idea how good I had it. We were all sleeping like logs, they both fed themselves, they'd play for hours together...we had it easy. Nursing William was sooooo painful. I also struggled getting up multiple times a night to feed him. He got sick about two weeks after he was born and super congested and was having a hard time sleeping and was spitting up a ton. He is also kind of a fussy little thing so between him sleeping and eating there was quite a bit of crying and that just about did me in. Three kids just threw me for a loop and even with all the help I had since Robert was home for a week and my mom was able to help a ton because she was on spring break, I just felt a little crazy. I feel like after two months I'm coming out of the fog. Nursing has been 100 times better since about a month on and William's in a little bit more of a routine and seems to get happier every week. I am making it sound like it's all been terrible, and it hasn't. It has actually been really amazing, but there's just a lot of hard stuff surrounding the amazing parts.

today

Life, man. This blog and a million other things have all been put on the back burner these days because...nursing. The babe loves to eat, and when he's not eating he's probably spitting up and will want to eat again within a half an hour. It's a time consuming job being a milk machine. William is six weeks old now and I've had a draft post of his birth started for weeks now and I'm pretty sure it will still be sitting in my drafts for another month. In the meantime life is still going on and yet I just haven't felt the energy to document things until recently. Most of my posts end up being novels, but I'm feeling this need lately to just document the simple, daily pieces of our lives. I feel like if I can just put up a quick post or two a week I'll look back and be so grateful. 

The girls were wild today. I think that's just how I'd describe life in general at our house these days: WILD. Those two are best, best friends and their conversations and little pretend play make me laugh every day. Minnie also shot Lou with the house while they were filling up the water table (hence, Lou's nakey tummy) so they can also be mortal enemies sometimes too, but the best friend part makes up for the ugly stuff most of the time. We've had days and days of cold, rainy and windy weather so the sunshine today was such a welcome change. 

The last few weeks I haven't been feeling very well and all of the symptoms I've looked up on the internet point to cancer (don't they always?). I'm guessing it's probably not cancer, but it's gotten me thinking that in the chance that it is, am I really happy with how I'm living my life? Am I being the kind of mom I want my kids to remember? The answer to that question for me right now is...no. Having three kids has kind of thrown me for a loop. It has been absolutely wonderful to add William to the mix, but in the process I've felt myself snapping at and neglecting the girls way more than I ever imagined I would. I really hate it. The fact that I'm also not feeling 100% doesn't help much either. In short, I'm not being the person I want to be right now but I'm working on it. Robert and I really tried to have a nice FHE tonight but it ended in tears because neither of the girls were listening, William was hungry and Robert and I were tired. Oy!  I ran and got us some shakes after we put the girls down to drown our sorrows about tonight's events. Thank heavens for a new day and a new start tomorrow.

I snapped these pictures really quickly before we headed in for baths, which actually turned into showers upon their request. When I look at these pictures I just feel this sense of gratitude for my babies and for my life. I love them so much. I mean, look at Lou's belly and pigtails! That is the stuff my dreams are made of. And Will's little fists while he sleeps! I can't get enough. Robert is also a baby whisperer with that little boy. He has this special hold that lulls Will right into dreamland. Will loves his head titled back at about a 90 degree angle while his arms just flop to the side. It's so strange and I cannot replicate it so my trick is nursing. It's all I've got. Will is also a big fan of the Baby Bjorn and he never seems to look tinier than when Robert has him strapped in that thing on his chest. My boys! I love them. These simple moments will be treasured in my heart forever and I'm hopeful I can document these sweet little bits of life more frequently, because I know they are going to pass faster than I can imagine.

almost there

I am 39 weeks pregnant today and tomorrow this little babe will join our family. This process has felt like an eternity, but suddenly today I'm feeling like I blinked and bam, it's go time! I am terribly nervous, but the majority of me is just so excited to meet this sweet person we are blessed to add to our family.

This time around I have done very little to document this pregnancy, which I already regret. I feel bigger and much less comfortable this time than I did the last two (we're talking beluga whale huge), but perhaps that's because it's been so long since I've been pregnant and I honestly don't remember how I felt before. I'm telling you, you forget everything bad about pregnancy as soon as your baby turns six months. Lou was almost two when I got pregnant so I had a good amount of time to have that little portion of my memory wiped clean. I am officially down to three pairs of pants and three shirts that fit and I am pretty much doing laundry constantly because otherwise I will be running around town in pajamas, and half of my belly will probably be showing.

All in all this really has been an amazing pregnancy. I felt nauseous for about 20 weeks, but not so nauseous that I actually threw up. I had some major heartburn in the latter half of this pregnancy, which was different than Min's and Lou's. With them I got heartburn super early on. I also got incredibly swollen with them (we're talking feet and ankles, hands, and face...especially my nose) but this time I have hardly noticed any swelling. Perhaps it's because I was pregnant during the deep summer heat with both of them, I'm not sure. I was dreading my monster pregnancy nose but my face has stayed relatively normal looking. That has sure been nice. I'm just so grateful for a healthy pregnancy. I did have one little scare a few weeks ago when the baby wouldn't move. It is usually incredibly active in the morning but even after all the normal things I usually did to get the babe moving, I still didn't feel anything. It was an awful feeling. My doctor was out of town but Robert suggested we just run to the office when they opened and have a midwife or another doctor find the heart beat. I ended up feeling a few teeny movements by the time we arrived, but they weren't like they normally were at all. Something just felt off. Hearing that steady, strong heartbeat was so relieving! The midwife who helped me was so sweet and made me feel so good about coming in. I was a little embarrassed because hello, it had only been a few hours of not feeling the baby, but she said that it is always better to err on the side of being overly cautious in this situation. I loved her. I had to run over to the hospital to do a non-stress test afterward, and although it took drinking lots of big sips of ice water to get the baby moving, we finally saw what we wanted to and I felt a million times better. Thank heavens it was just a scare and since then I've felt the babe move like crazy.

Overall, the baby has been strong, moved a lot, and I've had enough energy to at least make dinner most nights, clean the house, take laundry up and down the stairs...you know, regular mom stuff. It is also amazing to have both of my girls be pretty independent right now so I can just let them play if I need to get things done. In fact, Robert and I have been talking about how easy our life is right now. I mean, I guess easy is a relative term because we do have two little girls who are as wild as can be, but for the most part they are super independent, feed themselves, they can both talk and tell us what they need, they are easy to find babysitters for and they have both slept through the night like champs for the last two years. We are in for a ruuuuuude awakening! (Literally, since I will probably be awake at all hours of the night for the next few months. Oy!)

Since we didn't find out the sex of the baby it has been pretty difficult to buy anything in preparation for their arrival. This has both been wonderful and terribly difficult. The things we have bought are: a bigger car, since no matter how much Robert wanted them to, three carseats weren't going to fit in the back of my Mazda (farewell sweet Mazda that brought our other two babies home from the hospital ): ), a new rocker for the baby's room since we were using a tired old pink one from the 1980's that was just kind of gross (and which Lou pooped on once during her potty training days), two gender neutral newborn outfits, and I made a new minky blanket since pretty much all of our blankets are very much girl blankets. We purchased diapers and wipes a few days ago (we are both a little sad about having to buy diapers again) and my cute mom bought us a new Moses basket since our other one is totally trashed after Min and Lou. Other than that, I think we should be set for this little babe. 

Robert and I go back and forth as to whether we think the baby will be a boy or a girl. I just keep feeling like it will be a girl because that's all I can wrap my mind around. If it's a boy I will be blown away. Excited, but blown away. I think Robert's fairly convinced it's a girl too, but lately he's been changing his tune a little with talk of boy. That's the beauty of a surprise I guess...the not knowing and all the wondering. Minnie is convinced it's a boy because she needs someone to dress up as Prince Eric when they are playing pretend and she's Ariel. I've been trying to persuade her that even if the baby is a girl that she'll still love her. Minnie isn't easily swayed, but I think we are making some progress. She tells me that she "already has a sister," which is a valid point, but a house full of sisters wouldn't be the worst thing, would it? It's like a house full of best friends (or worst enemies...depending on their stage of life I guess). There is something pretty sweet to me about sisters and the thought of three little girls just sounds nice. I have loved being a mom to two sweet daughters. There is something so special and sweet about them. Then again, a boy would be such a fun change. I feel like it would be so nice to see and feel what a little boy would be like around these parts. I also just really want a boy for Robert. He has said that he doesn't care, and I know that's true, but I think it would just add a new dimension to our family that would be wonderful. Again, I'm happy either way. The fact that God is giving us another chance to welcome another one of His children into our family and home is absolute magic to me. He has chosen this particular spirit to join with us for this life and the life to come and whoever it is that comes has been hand picked by Him. Why would I ever want to have a hand in that? He knows so much better than we do and I am just so excited to meet this person God meant for us to love.

oh happy happy day

After over a year, a miracle occurred and a tiny little person began growing inside me. My third tiny little person. I tear up as I write this because I just can't believe it finally clicked. I was just never quite sure it would.

I'd written earlier this year about how discouraging it was to just not know why I couldn't get pregnant. It made no sense. My OB couldn't figure it out and neither could a specialist. Both of our bodies were working just like they should (with a little help from my friend Clomid for me) and yet...nothing. It was unbelievably discouraging. I felt a dark cloud over me for months and months. With some effort that cloud lightened a bit as I turned my frustration over to God and was grateful for all of the good that surrounded me, but it was certainly a reality check that all was in His hands and that there was really nothing I could do about it except keep trying, hoping and believing it would all work out. Eventually I began to accept the fact that perhaps we were only going to have two children, although I'd always wanted four. In life I've always been so used to being able to work really hard for whatever I want, whether it be school, career, relationships etc. This has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life - to have something in front of me that I had pretty much no control over. Humbling and incredibly frustrating, but...mostly just humbling. The thing is, I just see this all as a stepping stone into similar and probably even bigger situations in the future. I would never wish this upon anyone, but honestly, I believe we will all face something like this in life, and likely multiple times. However much I loathed the sadness I felt during that time, I will forever be grateful for the way it pulled me toward God, made me appreciate all that I do have and gave me a chance to really experience and feel true heartache. I see it as getting my feet wet in the beauty of life and mortality, because although life is insanely beautiful, it is often heartache that helps us see and truly appreciate all that beauty.

The morning I found out I was pregnant was just like every other morning the 14 months prior. I was a day or two late and felt pretty crappy so I was sure that time of the month was eminent. Throughout this entire process my relationship with pregnancy tests became pretty toxic. I hated the things. They just broke my heart time and time again and after about 6 or 7 months I just stopped taking them and waited it out until it was clear I was not pregnant. It just became pretty routine, although there was always a little sliver of hope in my heart, but it was pretty hard to believe that second line was never going to show its darn face. But this particular July morning I decided I'd use that second-to-last dollar store pregnancy test sitting in the closet. I'm not sure why, because I honestly felt like I had every other month, but for some reason I pulled it out and opened it up. I walked out of the bathroom to give the test a minute to do its thing and my heart was racing. I could honestly feel the blood pumping in my ears. When I walked back in and saw that second line I about fell over. There! It! Was! That second line I'd been aching for, praying for, pleading for. I began jumping up and down. I couldn't contain myself. It was HERE! It was finally here. I think what I was most excited about was being able to shed all the sadness I'd built up over the last 14 months. I was so sick of that feeling every month when that test came back negative or I started my cycle. I couldn't help it. Tears would just well up in my eyes sporadically and I felt a sort of anger, not at anyone in particular, but just at the situation, and as much as I tried to not let it effect Robert or the girls, I knew it did. It all felt pretty horrible. To know that all of that fighting, all of that praying and all of that heartache had lead to this moment was almost empowering. I had made it through the struggle. I was out of the tunnel I thought I may never see the end of.

It was about 8 or 9 am and Minnie was getting out of bed as I was jumping up and down in the hall just outside the bathroom. She and Lou both stood in the hall watching me and then I fell to my knees and began to cry. It was a good cry, but to an almost 4 and almost 2-year-old, crying is crying and it's generally because you're sad. Lou cautiously came over to try and get some clarification on the situation and I told the girls I finally had a baby in my tummy. Minnie beamed and quickly asked, "Can I see it?!!" After some explaining that the baby needed time to grow before it was ready to come out but that in 9 months the girls were going to have a new brother or sister, they were both beside themselves and we were giving each other lots of hugs and kisses there on the rug in the hall. Tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. I asked them if they would say a prayer with me right there to tell Heavenly Father how grateful we were for this new little baby coming into our family. I won't forget how sweet and still those two were beside me as I gave that prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracle. In that moment I felt such a connection to these three little spirits of whom I am blessed to be a mother.

A bit later we surprised Robert at work. I made him a lunch (he'd forgotten to take one) and Minnie helped me wrap up the pregnancy test (kind of gross, I know). We pulled in front of his building and he came into the car to talk with us for a minute. Min handed him the little gift and when he realized what it was he just turned and gave me his knowing little smile and a kiss. We both couldn't believe it. We decided to celebrate with Frosties because he didn't have time for much else, but a celebration needed to be had, gosh dang it!

And so here I am now, coming up on six months into this thing, and although my 29-year-old body isn't handling pregnancy quite as gracefully as my 24-year-old body (or even my 26-year-old body) did, I am just so, so happy! I was a bit nervous after telling Minnie about the baby that news was going to spread much faster than I'd wanted it to. She is four, after all. I was also really nervous something was going to happen to this baby so I wanted to hold off telling people for awhile. I swear my anxiety increases with each baby, although I'm pretty sure it's supposed to do the opposite. Oy! But Min was like a vault, and even when I told someone in front of her she'd get mad at me and remind me it was a secret. I was so proud of her! Now she's yelling it from the rooftops because she can. I love her.  Somehow I convinced myself and Robert to let this baby's sex be a surprise, and by some miracle we really went through with it. I can't wait to meet him/her. The girls are sure it's a boy. Minnie is already trying to convince me to buy him a Prince Eric costume. Ha! I've had multiple dreams it's a boy, but I'm pretty convinced it's a girl. Robert is also 90% sure it's a girl, just because that's what we make and we really can't imagine anything different. Honestly, I don't care whether it's a boy or girl, I'm just so grateful another little person was meant to be in our family, and whoever they are is who God intended to be with us...with all four of us. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of all - that we were meant to be together. March 18th can't come quickly enough!

my little lady friends right now

Robert and I were watching old videos of Minnie and Lou the other day and it reminded me how quickly things change. We are with these little babes day in and day out and I barely realize how tall Minnie is getting or how smart she's becoming or how Lou's baby chub just seems to be melting off. I know I am going to look back on all these simple days with these girls and just ache to go back. To remember them just as they are in this very moment.

Minnie, if you couldn't tell, will layer on the dress-ups...I'm talking 2 crowns, 2 dresses, 12 rings and bracelets up to her shoulders. Our dress up box is pretty much always open and dresses are flung as far as the eye can see. The one she wants is somehow always at the bottom of that blasted box. Oy! She also loves to "decorate" around the house, which means little odds and ends scattered here and there on display, necklaces on doorknobs, stuffed animals lined up on the dresser and pretty much every single toy placed somewhere around the house. It drives me nutty! Some of the displays she comes up with are pretty cute, but somehow when it comes to cleaning up the mess she's "so tired, Mom!" Oof! 

Ariel has been her very favorite princess for a solid 3 months now (which by Minnie's standard is like a year). She will be Ariel for Halloween (thank you 40% off kids costumes at Target!) and she writes a letter A on pretty much every piece of artwork in honor of beloved Ariel, of course. She and Lou have become really great at playing together, which has made my mama heart so so happy, and now that Louie is talking so well they have had some of the funniest little conversations. Lou will often call Minnie "Ariel" and I don't think Minnie has loved Lou more than when this happens. "How did you know my name was Ariel?" Minnie will ask with a big, fat grin. It's hilarious! Lou just knows how to make here sissy happy (and how to drive her insane...but that's what sisters are for).

Minnie hated ballet. I mean, she liked the getting dressed part but once it came down to actually going to class I'd have to drag her out of the house to get there. I think it was just too structured for her little free spirit. For Minnie's birthday my mom bought her dance lessons at Virginia Tanner Dance in Salt Lake and Min can't wait for dance days now! Creative dance is way more her speed and it makes me so happy. There are only four girls in the class and her teacher is this sweet older lady, Miss Sue, who Minnie loves. There's even a pianist in the class who plays music according to whatever they're dancing like. The whole thing is kind of magical if you ask me.

I asked Minnie if she would want to play soccer in a year or two and she promptly responded, "Mom, if I play soccer I will miss the ball, fall on the ground and lose the game." Ooooookkk. Where does she get this stuff? When I mentioned that maybe her friend Norah could be on her team she said, "Oh yeah, that would be fun. We could practice together." If it involves friends, the girl is all about it. My little social butterfly.

When we were at the doctor the other day, Minnie had to get her four-year-old shots and when the doctor mentioned it, Minnie went batty. The girl couldn't focus on anything else. Even after the doctor and I had explained why we get shots, when the nurse came in to administer them Minnie started screaming bloody murder. Am I a bad mom that I laughed...like a lot? The nurse asked me to help Minnie get her pants down because she had to give them to her in her leg but Min was pulling up on those pants just as hard or harder than I was pulling down and I was laughing so hard that I could barely do a thing. Eventually the nurse helped me by holding Min's hands and then I had to trap her on my lap, holding every limb as tightly as I could, while the nurse moved quickly. I'm surprised I didn't get a shot to my own leg. Min is a strong little bug! My ear about popped off she was screaming so loud, even after the shots were over...and I was just laughing. I couldn't help it! When Robert asked her if she was brave she gave out a resounding, "No, no I was not brave at all!" At least she tells the truth.

Min is a strong-willed little peanut and has my head spinning most days. I question my parenting with her about a bazillion times a day but gosh, she's sure a lot of fun. I know her determination is going to be such a great quality later in life, and really, it's her sass and spunk that make her so much dang fun. It's amazing how far a hug or a little rub on the back goes with her in times of frustration. Sometimes she doesn't want it, but when it's offered she generally takes it and it seems to just ground her. I love that she's such a love bug, even at four-years-old.

Ever since Lou turned two, she has become a little chatterbox. I think in the last two months her vocabulary has expanded about 10 times over and it has been hilarious to hear the funniest little things come out of her mouth. She's always asking me a million questions like, "Mom, where are we going?" or "Mom, are you happy?" It's the cutest. She has also recently started telling people she's missed them if she hasn't seen them for awhile and then gives them a big hug. The other morning after she woke up she told Min over and over she'd missed her and then gave her a big squeeze. It was the sweetest thing.

Lou knows my sister Julia carries gum in her purse and every time she sees her, the first thing she asks is, "Julia, can I have some gum?" Without fail! It kills us both. Lou is also obsessed with Julia's boyfriend, Colin. I honestly think she has a crush on him or something. She's constantly telling me how nice Colin is and asking me, "Is Colin at work?" even when we haven't seen him for weeks. When he's around Lou just beams and asks me if I think Colin will hold her. Killer!

Lou is also a major social butterfly. She has a handful of favorite people and talks about them often. I love that both of my girls love other people so much and are so quick to hug and love them.

We have begun the daunting task of potty training with this lady. I think she's been ready for awhile, I've just been holding back because I feel like I need to be ready. Well, ready or not...here we go! We are on day three and number ones are going really great, it's just those blasted number twos. We had our first real success with them this afternoon and I'm crossing my fingers it's a sign of things to come. Her diapers at night have been dry the last three nights, so I think we may have a good thing going for us. Pray for us!

Louisa is always having to identify things. She's constantly asking me what everything is and I love that she's so curious. Big things are always "daddy ones", smaller things are "mommy ones" and the tiny things are "beebee ones."

The twos are hitting us hard these days and Lou has become Miss Independent. It is wonderful and trying all at once. When it comes to punishment, hardly anything works. She loves time out and often even puts herself in time out. I don't get it. The only thing that kind of works is taking away her beloved blanket (mankey) and it breaks my heart to do it. I'm praying we figure something else out soon.

The girl loves to jump. She will jump off any ledge or chair or anything of any decent height. At first she was falling constantly, but she has become pretty good at it now and it makes me laugh every time. She is also still obsessed with shoes and has a different pair on every 10 minutes. Our house is constantly littered with shoes.

Lou's hair has a mind of it's own and can take lots of different shapes in the course of a day. She has kind of just naturally grown these funny bangs and Robert mentioned the other day she looks kind of like Heman. I about died because she does!!! We often make her say, "I have the power!" She loves it because we think she's hilarious.

The girl is a major goon and loves to make people laugh. It's funny how you can't imagine loving anyone like you do your first child, but gosh, I love this lady so much. She and Min are so different and both bring so much light to our family. It is a gift to be a mom to these little ladies.

wildflowers, pb+j's, auntie j and mama anxiety at it's best {or worst}

Robert was out of town last week for three days at scout camp and it was majorly depressing. I don't know what it is about having him gone, even just for three days, but it just throws me right out of whack. He's pretty much only home for four waking hours of the day, but just knowing I can't call him to chat or that he'll be around for back up around bedtime reminds me how much he means to me. He is so incredibly helpful around the house and with the girls and that never becomes more clear than around 8:00 pm when I'm wrangling the ladies into their pajamas and trying to convince them that sleeping is a good idea. I had been dreading those three days for months and you won't believe how grateful I am they are behind us now.

My dearest sister, Julia, often becomes my second husband when things like this come up. Bless her. She is such a good friend to me and I love the way she loves my babes and the way they love her back. We headed up to Albion Basin one of the nights Bob was gone to have a little picnic and enjoy the wildflowers but it turned out that every other person in the Salt Lake valley had the same idea. We were lucky to find a place to park (after driving around for 30 minutes) and the sun was about to set by the time we got out of the car. But, the girls love themselves a picnic so we found a few good rocks to sit on and the girls chowed down on their pb+j's (Julia and I had already eaten most of our Zupa's while trying to find a parking spot...couldn't help it).  The wildflowers were kind of on their way out, but goodness, they were still terribly pretty. I'm always in awe of scenes like these in the wild, especially after trying to keep my own little garden alive. How do these just grow like this...in the wild? God is obviously the master gardner. The evening included more driving than adventuring, but I'm still so glad we got to go. It does a soul good to be up in the mountains, even if it's just for 45 minutes or taking it all in through a car window.

Robert and I are leaving tomorrow to spend a week in Costa Rica. It is kind of what dreams are made of to be able to spend an uninterrupted week with the man of my dreams in a tropical foreign country, but goodness, my heart is in my stomach thinking about leaving my girls behind. My incredible mom has been kind enough to offer to watch them and if it weren't for her, we wouldn't be going. I know the girls are going to love their time with their grandparents (and I'm hopeful my parents love it just as much :|) but we are a family of four, and splitting us in half just feels weird to me. Yes, maybe for a night, but a week? I don't know why that just feels weird and indulgent to me. I know it will be wonderful and that it will be a time Robert and I will look back on for years to come. I don't see us doing anything like this again until our kids are much older so it's kind of like now or never since we don't have a nursing baby and both our girls are at such good, independent ages. And having a meal without having to chop up everything into tiny pieces and try to referee who gets which crayon before an all out screaming war ensues will be quite delightful. And to read a book on a plane?! I don't even remember what that feels like. That will be luxurious. But...my babies! Those two are my world and I know I'm a sap but I'm going to miss them like mad. My anxiety has been through the roof the last few weeks but I'm certain it will calm down once we land in San Jose and are able to call them that first day away. Mama anxiety is no joke. I think it drives Robert batty, but he's always so good at talking me through it and reminding me that it's all going to be fine. I know it will, but I can't help but already look forward to our reunion with these two little love bugs.