After over a year, a miracle occurred and a tiny little person began growing inside me. My third tiny little person. I tear up as I write this because I just can't believe it finally clicked. I was just never quite sure it would.
I'd written earlier this year about how discouraging it was to just not know why I couldn't get pregnant. It made no sense. My OB couldn't figure it out and neither could a specialist. Both of our bodies were working just like they should (with a little help from my friend Clomid for me) and yet...nothing. It was unbelievably discouraging. I felt a dark cloud over me for months and months. With some effort that cloud lightened a bit as I turned my frustration over to God and was grateful for all of the good that surrounded me, but it was certainly a reality check that all was in His hands and that there was really nothing I could do about it except keep trying, hoping and believing it would all work out. Eventually I began to accept the fact that perhaps we were only going to have two children, although I'd always wanted four. In life I've always been so used to being able to work really hard for whatever I want, whether it be school, career, relationships etc. This has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life - to have something in front of me that I had pretty much no control over. Humbling and incredibly frustrating, but...mostly just humbling. The thing is, I just see this all as a stepping stone into similar and probably even bigger situations in the future. I would never wish this upon anyone, but honestly, I believe we will all face something like this in life, and likely multiple times. However much I loathed the sadness I felt during that time, I will forever be grateful for the way it pulled me toward God, made me appreciate all that I do have and gave me a chance to really experience and feel true heartache. I see it as getting my feet wet in the beauty of life and mortality, because although life is insanely beautiful, it is often heartache that helps us see and truly appreciate all that beauty.
The morning I found out I was pregnant was just like every other morning the 14 months prior. I was a day or two late and felt pretty crappy so I was sure that time of the month was eminent. Throughout this entire process my relationship with pregnancy tests became pretty toxic. I hated the things. They just broke my heart time and time again and after about 6 or 7 months I just stopped taking them and waited it out until it was clear I was not pregnant. It just became pretty routine, although there was always a little sliver of hope in my heart, but it was pretty hard to believe that second line was never going to show its darn face. But this particular July morning I decided I'd use that second-to-last dollar store pregnancy test sitting in the closet. I'm not sure why, because I honestly felt like I had every other month, but for some reason I pulled it out and opened it up. I walked out of the bathroom to give the test a minute to do its thing and my heart was racing. I could honestly feel the blood pumping in my ears. When I walked back in and saw that second line I about fell over. There! It! Was! That second line I'd been aching for, praying for, pleading for. I began jumping up and down. I couldn't contain myself. It was HERE! It was finally here. I think what I was most excited about was being able to shed all the sadness I'd built up over the last 14 months. I was so sick of that feeling every month when that test came back negative or I started my cycle. I couldn't help it. Tears would just well up in my eyes sporadically and I felt a sort of anger, not at anyone in particular, but just at the situation, and as much as I tried to not let it effect Robert or the girls, I knew it did. It all felt pretty horrible. To know that all of that fighting, all of that praying and all of that heartache had lead to this moment was almost empowering. I had made it through the struggle. I was out of the tunnel I thought I may never see the end of.
It was about 8 or 9 am and Minnie was getting out of bed as I was jumping up and down in the hall just outside the bathroom. She and Lou both stood in the hall watching me and then I fell to my knees and began to cry. It was a good cry, but to an almost 4 and almost 2-year-old, crying is crying and it's generally because you're sad. Lou cautiously came over to try and get some clarification on the situation and I told the girls I finally had a baby in my tummy. Minnie beamed and quickly asked, "Can I see it?!!" After some explaining that the baby needed time to grow before it was ready to come out but that in 9 months the girls were going to have a new brother or sister, they were both beside themselves and we were giving each other lots of hugs and kisses there on the rug in the hall. Tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. I asked them if they would say a prayer with me right there to tell Heavenly Father how grateful we were for this new little baby coming into our family. I won't forget how sweet and still those two were beside me as I gave that prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for this miracle. In that moment I felt such a connection to these three little spirits of whom I am blessed to be a mother.
A bit later we surprised Robert at work. I made him a lunch (he'd forgotten to take one) and Minnie helped me wrap up the pregnancy test (kind of gross, I know). We pulled in front of his building and he came into the car to talk with us for a minute. Min handed him the little gift and when he realized what it was he just turned and gave me his knowing little smile and a kiss. We both couldn't believe it. We decided to celebrate with Frosties because he didn't have time for much else, but a celebration needed to be had, gosh dang it!
And so here I am now, coming up on six months into this thing, and although my 29-year-old body isn't handling pregnancy quite as gracefully as my 24-year-old body (or even my 26-year-old body) did, I am just so, so happy! I was a bit nervous after telling Minnie about the baby that news was going to spread much faster than I'd wanted it to. She is four, after all. I was also really nervous something was going to happen to this baby so I wanted to hold off telling people for awhile. I swear my anxiety increases with each baby, although I'm pretty sure it's supposed to do the opposite. Oy! But Min was like a vault, and even when I told someone in front of her she'd get mad at me and remind me it was a secret. I was so proud of her! Now she's yelling it from the rooftops because she can. I love her. Somehow I convinced myself and Robert to let this baby's sex be a surprise, and by some miracle we really went through with it. I can't wait to meet him/her. The girls are sure it's a boy. Minnie is already trying to convince me to buy him a Prince Eric costume. Ha! I've had multiple dreams it's a boy, but I'm pretty convinced it's a girl. Robert is also 90% sure it's a girl, just because that's what we make and we really can't imagine anything different. Honestly, I don't care whether it's a boy or girl, I'm just so grateful another little person was meant to be in our family, and whoever they are is who God intended to be with us...with all four of us. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of all - that we were meant to be together. March 18th can't come quickly enough!